About Me

Name: maan

Location: Philippines

i'm a total coffee addict. a hypomanic who runs and flips wild in the wards. has to constantly check on my schedule not because i forget things, but because i just obsessive-compulsively do so. i love singing and dancing so much, i just love having fun. and don't mess around with animals when i'm around, unless you want to be scalpeled down to your bones (just kiddin').

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I wish I could turn back time. I wish my dad is strong again, vivid, and jolly. I miss the time when he would knock on my door upon coming home from work and he would make kulit, he was so makulit that sometimes I have to shove him out of my room to have some peace. I wish I never had shoved him out. I wish there are more of those moments when we would talk for long hours about my studies, my new experiences, my frustrations, my achievements, just anything about my day. And he never failed to make me feel much better after our talk. He used to share a lot of sensible thoughts, some of which are too crazy and out of this world, but that's him. He's not an ordinary man. I usually get great ideas from his great mind. He's a genius.

He was readmitted last Monday at Philippine General Hospital due to grade 3 bipedal edema, jaundice and ascitis. He already had his liver biopsy done. Poorly differentiated carcinoma, suggestive of adenocarcinoma. This type of cancer has the worst prognosis. I force myself not to think that it's all over now. But my defenses melt each time I would be hit by the hard reality of his condition that keeps on worsening each day. He cannot move a lot now. He spends his day on his bed, with an IV line and a foley catheter inserted. He has spontaneous bleeding and generalized hematoma. His liver is really shutting down. His albumin level is really low causing his ascitis and edema. All of these, I can tolerate. The physician in me keeps my composure because my brain keeps on explaining and understanding what's going on. What I can't bear is the look in his eyes. I see genuine fear. I have never seen that look in him before. It is also recently that I saw him cry like a baby for the first time. He doesn't want to leave us. But it seems that hope is beginning to abandon his spirit. And I'm struggling so hard not to lose mine.

In the midst of all these agony, God has still been good to us. He never left us in the dark. He keeps on sending angels to help us emotionally and even financially. Friends are always beside us. My Tita Alice, Tito Jun and my brothers are always with us everyday. And last Sunday, Tito Claro with his family came home from US for daddy. I caught that spark in dad's eyes when they came. I thought I lost that spark forever. And God really knows the perfect time to give His blessings. Without searching for it, a scholarship that would shoulder my expenses for the next two years was dropped right into my hands. All I need to do is to payback as a Barrio Doctor in a province for only two years. I am even allowed to get my residency training first before proceeding to my payback. It's not a bad deal at all. Simply because it's a grace from God Himself.