my purple quilt

Illusions are dreams that come to surface when we least expect
An illusionist, is someone who weaves those dreams for others

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Brushes by Annika Von Holdt.

: Name: maan; Location: Philippines

i'm a total coffee addict. a hypomanic who runs and flips wild in the wards. has to constantly check on my schedule not because i forget things, but because i just obsessive-compulsively do so. i love singing and dancing so much, i just love having fun. and don't mess around with animals when i'm around, unless you want to be scalpeled down to your bones (just kiddin').

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An angel in the midst of sadness

Dare to be sweet...

humming in my head...

Insanity Breaks

We're expecting a baby girl!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The past 2 weeks were the most difficult times of my life. The misery, in fact, hasn't ended yet. I don't know when this latent phase of adjustment and uncertainty would end. Life as a medical clerk is a nonstop whirling world of madness. I never felt so tired and wasted like this in my whole existence. It's as if every drop of life left in me is persistently draining itself away. I cried hard a few times already, and each time I break down, I ask myself "ano ba itong napasukan ko?" "eto na ba talaga yung ginusto kong maging?" "is medicine really for me?" "tanga ba ako?" "bakit feeling lost na naman ako?"

As Pupao said, it's not really the intellectual capacity that throws me off into this feeling of uncertainty. It's all about striving to incorporate oneself into an unfamiliar system of unsystematic and unreasonable rules. It's like throwing onself into a pan of boiling oil, and then still expecting to afloat unscalded. It's an ultimate test of emotional and spiritual integrity. And so far, I'm limping my way through it.

During hard times like this, it's very important to have some people who would give emotional support. Unfortunately, I felt that I was abandoned to be eaten alive by my self-pity. My grandmother had a stroke and was kept in an ICU for a week. My parents were always there to look after her. It's so sad to say that I felt unimportant. After my straight 36-hour duty, I come home to an empty house with only my dogs to greet me and lick the tears away from my face. If not for Robert's continued thoughtfulness, I guess I would be completely consumed by my loneliness and depression.

Little by little, day by day, I am learning to adjust to this new found world of clerkship. And little by little, I am enjoying and appreciating the small important things that make this profession noble. Seeing my patients well and ready to be sent home give me this sense of accomplishment. Delivering a newborn baby after a very difficult labor is so gratifying that I don't feel my tiredness in an instant. Having a significant role in other people's lives, whether they recognize it or not, quickly assures me of my importance in this world. God is good, He would light my way as I throd into this journey of hardships and pain.

Little bundle of joy

With Co-Clerk Chrissy at Delivery Room

With Nina, Dr. Merly Rosario, and Intern Chona Fabian

-ooOoo-

My sister Bon came back from the States with her husband. We had dinner with our dad and brothers at Cafe Adriatico last Thursday. It's a picture of happy siblings circled around their father. I miss my sister so much.

Me and Ate Bon

posted @ 7:22 PM

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Belt Bag Addict!!!

I decided to buy a belt bag today. I went to Quiapo with Rhen. Well, actually, I didn't really think about buying a bag today, it's just one of those spontaneous moments. I thought I'd need a belt bag for clerkship to keep my diagnostic thingies handy. And so I surveyed "my" bag building located just near the Quiapo Church. I was looking for something fashionable, not bulky, and yet spacious enough for my things. And due to my uncontrollable impulsiveness, I ended up buying two belt bags.

Rhen was laughing at my hastiness. She's never seen someone shop like that. Well, that's really me when it comes to shopping for bags...a total uncontrollable wild addict!

posted @ 9:23 PM

Sunday, March 05, 2006
When Hell Breaks Lose...the Light from Heaven Shines Still

I thought of this day as one of my triumphant milestones. I know that clerkship is one year of unimaginable hardships and pain, but I still looked forward to this day because this is the lowest step of the ladder towards my dream. And taking it only means that I'm one step closer to my goal. The lowest form of animal, as they call it, is what I've been aiming to become this past 3 years. But today that I've been promoted, today that my name is imprinted clearly on the presently most important piece of paper for the med third year students, I felt that my happiness is not complete. I am not in my expected jubilant spirit. It's so sad to think that I will not be able to share this joy with some people.

-oOo-

Reeling a few days back from our promo board, I was really anxious about the possible outcome of the most stupid thing I did in my whole existence in med school. The possibility that I would be detained or that I would be dissected and scrutinized by the Chinese medical community made me really freak out. I could only imagine Dr. Go's face as he would narrate the incident to the next batch. I've learned my lesson the hard way, and I just wish they would just forget about it and not cause a negative impact on my future career. I'll just try to stay away from Chinese General Hospital as much as possible.

-oOo-

And as if fate was not yet satisfied with my plight, it decided to add another twist to my already compounded problem. I received my Med Ethics grade and was shocked that I have “no grade” in my research and seatwork. No grade = zero. What the f**k?! I asked one of my profs in that subject about it and she just threw back the question at me. According to her, maybe I really had a deficiency. In my whole stay in med school, or even in my whole academic education altogether, I never had a deficiency in any subject. The worst advice I got from that prof was that I should content myself with the idea that I got a good grade in the second shifting and finals and that I don't have to worry that I'll flunk the subject. Hello? Flunk med ethics? And so I brought up the issue to the dean and she promised me that "she'll look into it." I talked to Dr. Munarriz about it and she was mad that she wanted to talk to the dean about it but I told her not to because I know that it could have a graver consequence if I let her get involved. That night, the college secretary texted me to come to school the next day so that I could see some corrections she made. And so I saw her the next day only to find out that she didn't just make simple corrections, she made a total overhaul of our grades because she mixed up everything. As in everything. My final first shifting grade rose to 88 from the initially computed grade of 77. And she still insisted it's just a "simple mistake." Whatever.

-oOo-

Despite all that, I am still thankful to the Lord for promoting me. I guess He let all those things happen to remind me that I could never go anywhere without His grace. I am nothing without Him. Clerkship is another trying phase in my life. It would surely be a difficult year. But it would only be impossibly difficult if I would plunge into it on my own. With God's grace, everything is possible. His promise is the only sure thing I could cling on especially when things go rough. Having these in mind, I am now revitalized and ready to thrust myself into another indefinite phase of my life.

posted @ 2:26 PM

My Favorite Things

Coffee!