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Illusions are dreams that come to surface when we least expect
An illusionist, is someone who weaves those dreams for others

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Brushes by Annika Von Holdt.

: Name: maan; Location: Philippines

i'm a total coffee addict. a hypomanic who runs and flips wild in the wards. has to constantly check on my schedule not because i forget things, but because i just obsessive-compulsively do so. i love singing and dancing so much, i just love having fun. and don't mess around with animals when i'm around, unless you want to be scalpeled down to your bones (just kiddin').

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Belt Bag Addict!!!

When Hell Breaks Lose...the Light from Heaven Shin...

This is the worst day of my life.

Just Before I Plunge Into Finals

hurrah to the new look!

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The past 2 weeks were the most difficult times of my life. The misery, in fact, hasn't ended yet. I don't know when this latent phase of adjustment and uncertainty would end. Life as a medical clerk is a nonstop whirling world of madness. I never felt so tired and wasted like this in my whole existence. It's as if every drop of life left in me is persistently draining itself away. I cried hard a few times already, and each time I break down, I ask myself "ano ba itong napasukan ko?" "eto na ba talaga yung ginusto kong maging?" "is medicine really for me?" "tanga ba ako?" "bakit feeling lost na naman ako?"

As Pupao said, it's not really the intellectual capacity that throws me off into this feeling of uncertainty. It's all about striving to incorporate oneself into an unfamiliar system of unsystematic and unreasonable rules. It's like throwing onself into a pan of boiling oil, and then still expecting to afloat unscalded. It's an ultimate test of emotional and spiritual integrity. And so far, I'm limping my way through it.

During hard times like this, it's very important to have some people who would give emotional support. Unfortunately, I felt that I was abandoned to be eaten alive by my self-pity. My grandmother had a stroke and was kept in an ICU for a week. My parents were always there to look after her. It's so sad to say that I felt unimportant. After my straight 36-hour duty, I come home to an empty house with only my dogs to greet me and lick the tears away from my face. If not for Robert's continued thoughtfulness, I guess I would be completely consumed by my loneliness and depression.

Little by little, day by day, I am learning to adjust to this new found world of clerkship. And little by little, I am enjoying and appreciating the small important things that make this profession noble. Seeing my patients well and ready to be sent home give me this sense of accomplishment. Delivering a newborn baby after a very difficult labor is so gratifying that I don't feel my tiredness in an instant. Having a significant role in other people's lives, whether they recognize it or not, quickly assures me of my importance in this world. God is good, He would light my way as I throd into this journey of hardships and pain.

Little bundle of joy

With Co-Clerk Chrissy at Delivery Room

With Nina, Dr. Merly Rosario, and Intern Chona Fabian

-ooOoo-

My sister Bon came back from the States with her husband. We had dinner with our dad and brothers at Cafe Adriatico last Thursday. It's a picture of happy siblings circled around their father. I miss my sister so much.