my purple quilt

para kay YZAI!!

2008-08-31T20:43:00.000+08:00

Quiet time

2008-08-27T14:09:00.000+08:00

Approximately 8 hours prior to my board exams, I got stuck in the middle of an island at Lawton, surrounded by flood waters. It was raining really hard and I didn't have an umbrella and jacket. I was kinda nervous cause I haven't really finished reviewing and it seemed like I'll be spending the night at 7-11 reading my notes. If not for Marky I would probably get to Chrissie's apartment maybe the next day because I couldn't get any cab that would take me there. Anyway, he found me looking like a "basang sisiw" who was kinda irritated and frustrated. He treated me to coffee before taking me to Chrissie's place. I just enjoy spending some quiet time with my baby...

warm and comfy in my baby's jacket

Officially an MD

2008-08-24T07:12:00.000+08:00

It was not an easy ride. Well, I guess nobody would every say otherwise. Like most doctors who took the licensure exam, it must have been also one of the most important and the most challenging moments of my life. But unlike most of them, it was difficult and nerve wrecking for me not only because it would give me the right to practice, to be officially called a "doctor," or because I don't want to be the talk of the town as the "the one" who didn't make it, but because it weighed down on me as a real life-or-death situation. My life and my mom's life depend on it tremendously that there really was no room for failure. And I'm so glad and thankful thhat God is really good...He was with me all the way. He gave me a job to somehow sustain my family's needs while I'm reviewing for the boards (thanks Glenn), sent angels who generously lent their books, samplex, and reviewers (thanks a lot Karl and Mac), friends who continuously cheered for me through text and emails, a crazy friend like Chrissie who welcomed me in her apartment so I wouldn't have to come from Las Pinas early in the morning for the exams (also thanks for the coffee and the sounds!), and a loving boyfriend who's always been with me to cheer me on (muwahugs baby!).

I also had series of panic attacks. In fact, I really thought of not appearing on the exam date because I felt that I wasn't really prepared. I just took a leave from work only a week prior to the exam and that was the only time that I started madly flipping through everything! To make things worse, I was also having a PMS (premenstrual syndrome) days before the exam so I wasted about 2 days lying on bed, feeling nauseated and stressed.

When I arrived at Chrissie's apartment, we were in an elated mood. We were optimistic that we'll really be doctors in 2 weeks. We were boosting our confidence by recalling some people who were struggling through med school but still were able to pass the boards in one take. That was mean, I know. Anyway, I was kinda suprised because it seemed that I was the only one who was not familiar with some "good luck charms" for the boards. Chrissie dragged me to Red Ribbon to buy some empanada. Another one is wearing anything red. I was laughing at Chrissie when she wore all her red undies. I thought it was weird.

The feeling that I wasn't really prepared for the exams grew stronger on the first day when I arrived at the College of Holy Spirit. I was carrying 3 reviewers and discreetly reading some notes when I noticed that nobody was carrying any reviewer, people looked confident in their white coats, smiling and greeting each other, as if it's just an ordinary day at the campus! And most people were in red. I thought it was just one of Chrissie's wild ideas but I was proven wrong. There was even a lady who wore a red top matched with red open toe shoes revealing her red pedicure. And the magic empanada! Yes, it was indeed the official lucky charm that only I don't know about. Some people even brought boxes of it. Now I felt that my fighting chance for the passing the boards was starting to diminish. I was not in red and I don't have empanada. And I thought that it was only for the first day of exams. People continued wearing their red apparel and munching empanadas till the last day of exams.

The difficult moment while taking the boards exams was not really during the exam proper...it was during the 10 to 15 minutes of silence and apprehension while sitting and waiting for our exams to be distributed. It was during these moments that I had flashbacks of my years in med school, images of me sitting in the classroom chatting with my seatmates while the professor was yanking about a particular disease that I hope somehow made its way to my neurons somewhere in my brain. It was also during these tensed moments that I got images of me and my dad, and suddenly my eyes got misty with tears. The first subject was Biochemistry. I managed to have one round of reading on it. I was praying so hard that it would suffice...I was relying on luck and on 4 years of biochemistry lectures in college.

I almost fainted during the first day because of starvation. I thought crackers would be enough to last me for the whole day. Good thing Chrissie shared with me some of her empanadas. Now I believed it was really the "lucky empanada" otherwise I'll be losing consciousness on my exam day. So on the succeeding days I brought with me some power chocolate bars (courtesy of Marky) and some canned coffee. Important tip for the future examinees: Load up!

For me, Anatomy was the worst. I felt really bad about it because I spent more time on it compared to other subjects. It made me feel like I didn't study at all. And Kandi and I were laughing at some items which focused on the physiological basis of arousal in men, like the erection and ejaculation. I think I was able to answer those questions not mainly based on Snell textbook but on some issues of FHM and Cosmo.

After the boards, I completely withdrew myself from the world. This was the time for deep contemplation and sleep. I rarely get up from bed. I found comfort under my blanket. I only get up at night to eat and take a bath. And then I go to hibernation again. The thought that the exam results would be unfavorable was so unberable that I'd rather sleep again. That anatomy exam...grrr...

But God works in mysterious ways...I passed. And so were all my friends who took the board exams. We were blessed.

Should get a PF

2008-07-23T12:25:00.000+08:00

ahem...ahem...professional pala ah...and so should I start getting paid? haha

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!
Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.
If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.
You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

The Keys to My Heart

2008-07-23T12:09:00.000+08:00

I got scared and had panic attack again, and so I decided to blog, but then I saw this from Yzai's blog, so inggitera me strikes again, so here it is...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

An angel in the midst of sadness

2008-07-16T09:15:00.000+08:00

Nia Alicia Rabago Jackson
July 6, 2008

She's a little angel sent down from the heavens to enrich our family with love...she came to us exactly 2 years after dad left us to go to a better place.

Dare to be sweet...

2008-07-16T09:02:00.000+08:00

Year 2003...Manila...movie date with friends...who would think that...

*sigh*

humming in my head...

2008-07-16T08:01:00.000+08:00

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight

I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Insanity Breaks

2008-06-28T09:20:00.000+08:00

My day starts at 5am, plunging early in traffic to get to work at Makati. Good thing korean kids are hardworking students, generally speaking, so there's almost no problem teaching them Bio stuff. They're quick to learn and eager to do homework stuff, otherwise, their strict korean parents might cut off their millions worth of allowance and out-of-the-country-vacation privileges. After the tutorial classes, I go straight to UP Manila to grab a quick lunch and study at the Med library. After choosing a suitable study area (one of those claustrophobic places in the library), I open my book and then start reading the part where I stopped the day before. And then few minutes later, I lift the pages and start measuring the thickness of the pages that remains unread. Then sigh in frustration. Probably an hour later, my chest starts hurting, I feel my pulse racing...I'm going into panic mode again. Realizing how many days are left for the boards make me wanna scream hysterically and then faint...black out. Play dead. There were already 2 people who suggested that I'll take the February boards instead of this August, considering all the other stuff that I need to do everyday besides reviewing. I've also thought of that but waiting for another 6 months is just too long. I must remain brave and should take the risk (*gulp*). I dunno...I'm not really sure how I'm going to pull this off...

the eyebags that've transformed already into luggage bags...
i'm also having pimple break outs...

the different coping mechanisms: (1) study really really hard, (2) stare blankly at open spaces,
(3) give in to the insanity by unbreakable laughter...

...or (4) just be happy and confident about it

We're expecting a baby girl!

2008-06-07T11:05:00.000+08:00

There will be a new bootilicious-femme-fatale addition to the Rabago clan coming this June. It's my big sister's first baby...(and you were thinking...)...name still undisclosed. We're all excited. Sadly, I would get to see my niece maybe after 2-3 years, the next time my sister gets home here in the country.

Three Pretty White Roses

2008-06-02T17:21:00.000+08:00

June 1, 2008

The Scary "Charming" Prediction

2008-05-25T10:38:00.000+08:00

I have long been a subscriber for an online daily astrology forecast via email. It was just for plain fun and curiosity. But today was the only forecast that got me startled. For those who have already known me well (aka friends), they would surely understand how this kind of prediction freaks the hell out of me...

Charm City
								Sun Trine Jupiter



								On a scale of one to 10, your charm will top out at 99 -- somewhere between lethal and devastating, that is. There's nothing you can't have, but do be careful not to aim this potent magic at anything -- or anyone -- you really don't want to conquer. Overzealous fans can be so tiring!

Goofy Moment

2008-05-09T12:42:00.000+08:00

Today, we were featured at the Philippine Daily Inquirer, A6, as the First Gentleman Mike Arroyo gave the first batch of "Bagong Doktor Para sa Bayan" his sorta congratulations party last Wednesday for graduating internship at the Malacanang Palace. This was one of the series of shots that the official photographers of the Palace took for like a couple of minutes which paralyzed my facial muscles after smiling for too long. Anyway, at the top row, center beside FG is the new PLM president Attorney Tamano, also the official spokesperson of the Opposition Party. With all due respect...he is soooo hot! Hahaha!

What a way to end

2008-05-03T20:18:00.000+08:00

And yes, I've finally come to this point when the world suddenly stopped spinning, everything froze in time, and I'm like, lying still in my bed, still perplexed with the reality that it really ended. My internship flew so fast, like flashes of memories sweeping by...all I can remember is that I just kept on going to duties day by day. And today is different, I don't need to go to duties anymore. No more running to sign the attendance first thing in the morning to avoid being crossed out. No more checking on charts for new orders. No more dealing with irksome bantays whenever they feel like their patients were not being attended to quickly or they just wanted to be annoying. No more BE/IVs. And most especially, no more monitoring!

These are the things that I now lovingly put in a really good hiding place. Especially the sphygmo. I don't wanna see them until I pass the board exam. Ngek, everytime I remember the boards, I feel like an impending doom is coming. I'm not pessimistic or anything near that, it's just a mind-rattling-realization that the most crucial part of my career is just 3 months away. 3 months.

While most of my classmates and blockmates are busy reserving a spot in review centers or scheduling their out of town vacations, I'm preoccupied with squeezing in tutorial classes into my own review schedule. Hay, I'm not really sure how I'm going to pull this off but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. God will guide the way as He always does.

Amazingly, there are people who I feel like angels being sent to me as God's way of reminding me that things are going to be okay. They are actually new and old friends. One of them is Dr. Victoria Ang, otherwise known as "Mam Toyang." She said goodbye to me on my last duty at Ward 11. And I was touched when she was teary-eyed while saying how she's gonna miss our block. She said that I'm going to do well in boards and in life, in general, and she must've said that almost every intern in PGH, but it really means a lot to me. Especially that it came from someone who I really look up to. I was even surprised when she gave me a small gift which is so timely and useful for my current situation. No wonder she was chosen by the interns this year as top 1 in Puri List. She really is a gem.
Old friend like an ex-boyfriend is also part of my support system. I'm always grateful to him for always sending text messages motivating me to move forward. I know that it may sound fishy for other people, but some love relationships don't last, but most friendships do. Let's just keep it that way. My other old friends include my good old college barkada. They always know how to cheer me up...make me feel good. They really are angels.

Anyway, I almost forgot to mention that I ended my last few days of internship coming to PGH in style...
...with red eyes. I was absent for 2 days which forced the poor Valerie to go on perpetual duty. I thought that I had a viral/bacterial conjunctivitis and the pedia residents were naturally skeptic of allowing me to even chart a patient at the OPD. I now understand how it feels to be alienated. It feels really really horrible. Especially when your friends are like literally jumping out of their seats at the sight of you. Horrible. I had my eyes checked at the Sentro and the ophtha residents said that there's nothing to worry about, it's just an allergic conjunctivitis. Trigger still unknown. I had my friends back after the announcement that I'm not contagious. I then ended my internship with a perpetual duty as a payback of my absence. I'm also done with my 10 hour make-up at OB. Geez...I don't ever wanna go back there. I just wanna worry about my clearance and other stuff that I need for PRC. Grabe...this is it na talaga.

Debunking Old Theories

2008-03-28T17:56:00.000+08:00

Theory #1: The Sweet Facade

One time, I was talking to Mac over the phone, a good friend of 22 years...
Mac: "Nabasa ko yung blog mo"
Me: "And?"
Mac: "Mabait ka raw? (chortling at the background)"
Me: "Oo raw."
Mac: "Sinabi talaga nila yun? (more irritating chortle sound)"
Me: "Oo nga raw, kaya nga nasisigawan na lang ako ng kung sino-sino."
Mac: "Eh ang sungit-sungit mo kaya! Balahura ka rin eh!"

And there goes the long 22 years of so-called friendship.

Theory #2: I can sing well

Some people say that I have a good singing voice. And so whenever there's a videoke party or some singing events in school, I've always been tossed into the centerstage, either singing solo or with a group. And so when this really old friend asked me to sing for her wedding, I told my mom about my friend's requested song...

Me : "Mommy, familiar ka ba sa song?"
Mom: "Bakit, kakanta ka ba?"
Me : "Oo raw. So maganda ba yung song?"
Mom: "Bakit ka kinuhang kumanta?" (obviously ignoring my question)
Me : "Eh ewan ko."
Mom: "Kumakanta ka ba talaga?"
Me : "Uhmm...minsan...sa school...sa plm dati...kung saan-saan. Bakit?"
Mom: "Wag ka ng kumanta. Nakakahiya naman."

Wooh mom!

The Sweet Facade

2008-03-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

The very first time I overheard someone said that I have this sweet facade that is so deceiving, I was kinda offended by it. I mean, I never faked my "sweetness." It was never a facade. And just because I look "mabait" doesn't mean I can't be bitchy at times. This so-called sweet image had brought me good, but more often than not, bad things. Let me cite some examples.

1. Just last week, I was standing in front of PGH waiting for a bus ride when suddenly someone bumped into me and yelled, "Tatanga-tanga ka kasi!" Outraged by this, I replied "Ano sinabi mo? Bumalik ka dito!" And the woman yelled again, "Ang laki-laki ng bag mo! P*****-ina mo!" Apalled and infuriated, I just thought, "What the hell is wrong with you? I was just standing here." Of course I did not shout back at her or exchange nasty words, everybody was staring at me at the time, I didn't want to attract more attention. And besides, I don't want to stoop down to her level. I told Topher, TJ and Jun about it the next day, and they just said, "Mukha ka kasing mabait. Para kang pwedeng itulak-tulak lang sa daan."

2. I was doing my monitoring at the PACU one day, when I noticed that this co-intern that should be sharing with the monitoring duty was not monitoring at all. I couldn't tell her off to do her part. I mean, we're all adults here, right? But to my dismay, she just sat there the whole time, pretending to be busy. And then she approached me and said that she couldn't stay longer, she gotta go somewhere else. And she just left. When I told my blockmates about this, they just said, "Mukha ka kasing mabait, mukha kang di magrereklamo." Hmp.

3. I always hide from a certain resident who is known to have a "mautos" reputation. I learned different tactics to escape from her unreasonable orders. Besides, I am not rotating under her service. The reason: whenever she enters the callroom, she quickly searches the crowd for me or Ciela, because she assumes we'll take her orders like her obedient and submissive servants. And Topher pointed out again, "it's your sweet facade..."

4. During my IM rotation, I have this diabetic and renal patient who I took care of his daily needs and treated him well with lots of kindness. To my surprise, one morning, he was feeling depressed or something, he took out all his frustration and anger at me, yelling unkind and callous words at me, that I failed to take it all in professionally. I cried. I cried in front of my patient and walked out. And Ross pointed out, "Mukha ka kasing mabait. Wala namang makakagawa ng ganyan sa amin. Palaging nangyayari sayo yan."

And so the lesson of the story? I guess, be more assertive. Look assertive. How to look like one, I don't know.

Donate Blood...Save Lives

2008-03-17T16:34:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to do it, but due to my body weight that had never met the ideal value for my height, I've always been rejected. I felt frustrated especially during the time when my dad needed 20 bags of packed RBCs and fresh frozen plasma, and I couldn't give a part of me to prolong his life. But just today, I was able to persuade the med tech people who were doing the screening to allow me to donate my blood (it actually took a lot of smile and charms to let my weight of 44 kilograms pass through). However, they allowed to get only an aliquot of blood, about 250 mL, which is the typical amount used for pediatric patients. But at least, I am now a proud blood donor! I can now save lives! (or a life of a neonate, maybe)

When the beat keeps coming back

2008-03-15T15:08:00.000+08:00

If there's one thing I know I'm good at, and really happy doing, it's dancing. I'm not bragging or anything, it's just a deep realization of my other passions in life. And God, how I miss dancing. As in serious dancing. I've been dancing all my younger years, but I've decided to put it all aside due to other important things that needed my attention and concentration more. I've always thought that since it's something that I've considered already a part of who I really am, I can simply go back to it whenever I please. But now, I really really miss dancing. And performing. And there's no opportunity to do so. I'll just watch all my downloaded music videos over and over again...and drool and die of envy.

Spot the difference

2008-03-15T14:20:00.000+08:00

pa-cute

Gabriela

2008-03-10T07:18:00.000+08:00

I was branded as "Gabriela" for animals by Chrissie, one of my blockmates, due to my unyielding fight against animal abuse. I am a hardcore animal rights activist, yelling shamelessly at some people who hurt animals in front of me. If only I'm not too busy with my intern duties in the hospital, people might find me volunteering for helping homeless dogs and cats and bringing them to shelters like PAWS. I really don't know how I got this passion for animals, I just recall when I was still a kid that I bring home kittens and puppies which I pick up from streets. My mom would scold me and put the poor creatures back to the streets.

I have 2 dogs at home, Shian and Shane, both 8 years old (56 in canine years), and a family of cats, Set, Miming and Susette. I also have an aquarium of fishes and 3 cages of lovebirds. I just love them so much, I consider them not as animals pets but as family members. People usually ask about the breeds of my dogs and cats and they usually get disappointed whenever I say that they're mixed breeds of chowchow-retriever and terrier-labrador and that my cats are actually "pusang kalye." They think I'm stupid to treat them like humans, feeding them well and even make them wear clothes (haha!) and allowing them to sleep inside my bedroom just because they are not pure breeds. "Sayang naman, they're close to being askals! Dapat mga imported lang yung nasa bahay. Pag askal, tinatali lang sa may gate" some would say. I don't know about them, but isn't that being discriminating? I mean, it's like saying don't let the blacks get inside your homes because we're all whites? Pure breed or not, they're equal, they're all canines, they are all creatures of God who are capable of doing good and they also have feelings. Yes, they have emotions. They also feel happy, sad and angry. So don't take it against the dog if they bit you because you made fun of him or beat him or pull his tail, he has all the reason to get mad at you. Just learn your lesson and be more humane next time and get an anti-rabies vaccine ASAP.

When people get shocked that Shane actually has an epileptic disorder and that we have to maintain him on an antiepileptic drug daily, which they find it ridiculous or funny, I just smile and realize more that there's still a lot of people out there who are still ignorant about animals. Like humans, they also have anatomical parts like brain, heart, lungs, and all the gastrointestinal organs you could think of...which means that like humans, they could have diseases of the brain like epilepsy, psychological disorders (yup, you read it right, psychological), hypertension, heart diseases, pneumonia, cancer...almost all human diseases you could think of. And that's not weird. Some people are just not informed. Or refused to get informed. Or use their brains. Can you feel my rage? Yup, that's why I'm called the Gabriela for animals.

The Grinch

2007-12-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

It's 2:30 am, Christmas Day, and I just woke up. I just missed the whole christmas eve-12 o' clock-merry christmas thing again this year. I kept still, deciding if I would just go back to sleep or at least try to celebrate for the sake of the christmas season.I chose the latter and helped myself in the kitchen. I ate some spaghetti, chicken and leche flan which my mom cooked yesterday. And then I realized how sad and pathetic I am, celebrating on my own, and so I woke up the dogs and forced them to wear a reindeer headband and took their pictures.

And also took mine. Para fair.

Christmas can't be the same without dad. He was the merriest person in our family, the one who was always eager to take pictures, set the christmas table, serve dinner and dessert, gather us around the christmas tree...he was the life of all my past Christmases. And now no matter how hard I try to have the same christmas spirit, I end up feeling like a fool, cause I know that I'm really not happy, I don't have that christmas thing, and it's depressing.

Anyway, I looked around the house and I appreciated all the efforts my mom put into decorating our home, she herself, maybe, was trying to revive that christmas thing. I wish my dad could see her efforts, I think he would appreciate it too.

We didn't buy anything new. My mom has a great talent for decorating that she can make our home look different every year by recycling and mixing old and new decors. Our home looks happy, but we're not, really.

Anyway, despite the loneliness and depression, I still have a Christmas wishlist which is ofcourse, I know would remain just a list of all the things I want in life, but would never have because it's impractical and selfish to buy them because I know for a fact that I don't really need them to make me happy.

more porcelain dolls to add to my collection

a dollhouse

more miniatures

a pink kikay laptop

a palm treo

For whatever it's worth...merry christmas everyone!

random thoughts

2007-12-21T17:04:00.000+08:00

Four days to go and I'll be leaving IM ER and shift into MICU. That's sad cause despite the stench of ER that clings to our scrub suits and the sometimes irritating demands of patients and bantays, I still enjoy the ER life. I thrive in toxicity. I like the come and go mode. And of course the duty post status. I get to sleep the whole day and wake up at night only to sleep again after dinner. It's so tiring kasi and I don't get to rest at the ER even if there's no patient cause we don't really have a "space." I also dread the idea of shifting to MICU because that means that our exam is just 2 weeks away! Ngek, all I know pa lang is reading ABGs and a bit of ECG. I need to cram...like I said, I thrive in toxicity.

--oOo--

I don't really understand the reason why we have to move to another dormitory in the middle of internship. They wanted to put all the resident doctors and interns in one building and all the nurses and nursing aids in another. Well, the new dorm that we'll be moving in is much better than our old one, there's unlimited supply of water and there's no curfew but the rooms are much smaller. And then they wanted me to pack all my belongings and stuff them somewhere else cause the nurse who's going to occupy my space had already started putting her things beside my bed while the nurse who still occupies my new space has not started moving all her things. Ang daya kaya nila. Bahala sila.

--oOo--

I just realized how hard it is to find a boyfriend these days. Not for myself (haha!) but for this friend of mine who never had a boyfriend before. If you find a really good looking guy, it's either he's already in a relationship, or he's gay (unfortunately for me)...or he's straight (unfortunately for my friend). I once found "the one" and pursued it, and failed, cause he's beyond my reach, only to realize that he had already found his love, and was also pursuing it, but also failed because she's beyond his reach. Wala lang, malungkot talaga mainlove.

singing for daddy

2007-11-11T09:59:00.000+08:00

WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

HEALING

Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines to many times
It passes throught the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I've never listened to the words that You said
See where its lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

(break)

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

sentiments

2007-11-11T09:53:00.000+08:00

Without a doubt, I know that I’m helplessly trapped in this dark pit of the unknown. And I’ll be trapped here for some time more. There’s nothing I can do. Since dad left, I’ve been living my life in this predetermined path. There’s no escaping it. And the mere thought of only myself to rely on, only myself to pull everything through, chokes me. It stings me. And what am I expected to do? At present, I’m just an intern, all my days and nights are dedicated to finish what’s been asked of me, what’s expected of me. And there’s no payment in return. All these mental and emotional anguish I have to bear on my own, sometimes, I stop and wonder how far I can go on like this.

hey i'm back

2007-11-11T07:34:00.000+08:00

It's been 3 months since my community rotation/vacation/better days. Right after my community rotation, I plunged into the endless labor watching and turfing of soon-to-be-mommies to other hospitals, not to mention the unmistakable pathognomonic stench of cervical cancer patients. I thought at first that it's going to be one hell of a rotation. Well, it's not at all benign, but it's better than I expected. The only thing that made me skip with panic was the post-duty endorsements. It's only at this time that I got to read the William's Obstetrics book. I learned quite a lot, understood better this time. The residents are much nicer than the ones we had at Ospital ng Maynila. Way nicer. One big disappointment I have with my OB rotation was that in my whole 2-month-stay in their department, I only got to deliver baby twice, unassisted, and made episiorrhapy only twice too. That's about 0.5% of record I made during my clerkship. The OB residents are the ones who do the deliveries more often at PGH (I try not to think that they don't trust us or something). I finished my OB rotation with a 2-day-absence, I caught a flu and caused a contagious spread of my bacteria to my other blockmates. So I'll be back again next year for my make-up duties.

After OB, I had my Ortho and Rehab Medicine rotations. These were like breathers in between OB and Internal Medicine rotations. I got to finish the first season of Heroes, the 6th season of CSI Miami and the 3rd season of House MD. Being an Ortho intern is like being a guest cast in an all-men tv series. Most of them are really, really good-looking. The most popular of them is Dr. Louie Gaston. He was once in a shampoo commercial. Almost all interns and clerks, and even the patients, faint at the sight of him. As Ross puts it, "hindi kumpleto ang iyong PGH experience pag di mo nakita si Gaston." He's handsome, intelligent, soft-spoken, and really nice...and old rich. And then there's also Dr. Patrick Dizon. I actually have a crush on him. They say that he's also once in a shampoo or a conditioner commercial. And then the Aga Muhlach-look-alike, Dr. Pasion. He was once in a movie casted as boyfriend of Claudine Barretto. Well, that was 20 lbs ago! My rehab rotation passed by without much story to tell. I never had a rehab exposure so it was the first time that I encountered some special tests for musculoskeletal conditions and was also my first time to ever use a goniometer. That's it.

Today is my last free weekend. I know that I have to be prepared for my IM ward rotation which they say is the most toxic of all rotations. A part of me wants to panic and read through all my books, but a part of me wants to savor the last hours of "freedom." I don't know. I just wanna lay flat on my back, play dead.

Immersion it is

2007-07-08T14:49:00.000+08:00

The second week in the barrio flew faster than the first...that's because I spent almost half of my day sleeping. Yup, I would forever think of Laiya Aplaya with much fondness, it's only during this rotation that I get to sleep 8-10 hours a day. And then another hour in the afternoon for siesta .
Anyway, Chiqui and I have already blended in with our foster family and their friends. We spend our mornings and afternoons chatting with them, getting updated with the latest chismis of the town, and betting numbers for jueteng. We help Nanay Meli with the cooking, but we don't dare taking things on our own because of our poor cooking skills. In the evening after dinner, we sit in their living room together with all the family members (and some family friends who come over everyday) and gather in front of their television to write all the prime time tv programs. Good thing, they are loyal kapamilya, ,like me, who never switch channels even during commercial breaks. We feel that we are very much welcome to their family already so we also treat them with utmost respect and love just like our own parents.
However, maybe due to our intense immersion thing that's going on, a quite funny incident happened. We've been waiting since our first day in the barrio to meet and greet the barangay chairman. He's known for his goodness and leadership and also for his ownership of one of the largest and most popular beach resort in Laiya Aplaya. In addition to that, the health center that Chiqui and I go to every day became the biggest and most funded RHU because of his efforts. And so finally this week, we were able to meet the kapitan. He has a large property beside the sea and we sat quietly while we wait for him in his lanai. When he came out we quickly greeted him good morning and expressed our apologies for not coming sooner. He glanced at us for a second and talked to his employee. After that, he came to us and asked us, "Anong kelangan nyo, bagong inodoro?" We were stunned, we could't believe what we've just heard. When we told him that we are the new interns assigned to their health center, he hurriedly said, "Ay, mga doktor pala, sige, upo kayo." He tried making it up to us by offering his beach for swimming and an invitation for dinner with his family. That was really funny. I guess we've succeeded in immersing with the barrio folks that the barangay captain wasn't able to tell the difference. Really funny. We're not sure whether to get offended with the idea that we don't look like doctors and look like an indigent instead just because we're only wearing t-shirts and shorts...we couldn't stop laughing about it.

maybe it's the t-shirt and shorts

Only after 2 weeks, Chiqui and I already managed to own a beach resort. With a lagoon. The catch: the stretch of our beach shortens during high tide and widens during low tide. Just wait for the large beach umbrellas and mini huts.

welcome to our beach: chi-an's resort

the lagoon...Php 100 entrance fee

Not over yet

2007-07-02T19:29:00.000+08:00

It'll almost be a year now...sad memories keep flashing in my head...scenes in the hospital...walking in the avenues of Makati to get solicitations...holding his cold frail hand...watching him struggle for air...the tragic day of my life. I've never known happiness since then. I miss my dad so much, especially now that I spend most of my time either in the hospital or in Batangas. I miss him so much. I couldn't get over the fact that he is gone. Gone forever.

not over

2007-07-02T19:22:00.000+08:00

Hello Laiya Aplaya!

2007-07-01T21:50:00.000+08:00

This the first weekend of my community rotation. We were assigned to San Juan, Batangas, which is known for its great white beaches. We left Manila last Tuesday and managed to squeeze ourselves in Chiqui's van. The scenery after we drove past South expressway was fantastic. I am such a fan of countryside greenery. Right after we were oriented by the Medical Health Officer at the bayan of San Juan, we made our way to our own separate assigned barangays. Luckily for Chiqui and I, we were assigned to Laiya Aplaya, which is located seaside.

rocky road!

We were brought to our foster parents by an ambulance. The house that would be our home for the next 6 weeks is actually a cozy bahay kubo. It's really nice. We were greeted by our foster parents, an old couple in their mid-60's. Their names are Nanay Meli and Tatay Ando. Their children live mostly in Manila and they have only one son who lives near their house. They are really nice and hospitable. The own coconut trees and sell coconuts in Manila and they also sell pigs.

our home sweet home

the "balkonahe"

piggies piggies piggies!

Nanay Meli is such an excellent cook. Grabe, I triple my rice servings because her dishes are really really delicious. Simple but delicious. Truly, I'm now a piggy.

After our clinic hours at the rural health unit, Chiqui and I would treat ourselves with an afternoon walk in the beach. The view is great...white beaches and clear seawater and bright blue skies...a perfect place to get a break from the tiring routine in the hospital.

it's nice to feel the fine sand under my feet

the beach dog...he takes his nap after digging a hole in the sand

the block T

our first dip in the ocean

Plunging in

2007-05-23T21:04:00.000+08:00

Whoah...I'm back! I've started with my internship last May 1 at the Philippine General Hospital and it has been...well...better than I expected. Just days before my internship started, my anxiety meter was so over its limit that I swear I'd almost puke just thinking about it. I've even thought of pulling my slot off PGH and rematch somewhere else. I don't know where I got my strength from but I was able to get through my first day with ease...and then the days just flew by so quickly I almost didn't notice that it's now almost a month. Yipee!

For starters, there are a lot of things about PGH that make it so different from OM. First, it's definitely bigger. Getting laboratory results and scheduling for CT scans and uultrasounds require stamina and endurance because the labs are far from the Pedia ward where I started. Sometimes you have to go up and down 5 floors and it'll be much quicker if you'll take the stairs cause the line for the elevators are very long. Secondly, people are more polite...period. Doctors, nurses, nursing aids, maintenance staff and even the patients are more polite, more agreeable people, have better attitudes...blah blah blah...hindi uso dun ang sigawan. Thirdly, more medical cases. Since it's a bigger hospital, it's a national hospital, you get to see a lot of different cases that you thought are rare or you just read them in books in a one paragraph text only. If you'll really know when to grab the chance to learn more, this is definitely the place to be. Fourth, organization. PGH has been standing there for a very long time already, in fact they'll be celebrating their centennial year this August. So as a testimony to that, it's a very much organized place, you won't get confused with processes on how to go about things. Basta maayos sila. Fifth, it's a more conducive place to learn. Like I said, it's a really a place to be for learning. Aside from that, since it's a teaching hospital, residents and fellows are really teaching. In fact, ang dami ko ng natutunan in just 3 weeks of my pedia rotation. That's also the reason why I also need to study more cause we get to be asked more often about our cases. So toxic kung sa toxic.

we've only just begun...

my first rotation was Pediatrics...at the pedia ward 11

unlike interns from other hospitals, we still don't wear white coats

this was the first time I got lost while searching for the Allergy Department

my first duty at the NICU

oh goody! babies!!!

pediatrician in the making? nahhh!

first catch of the day

2007-04-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

This is officially my last day as a bakasyonista. Tomorrow I'll be an intern in Philippine General Hospital. My first rotation would be in the Pediatric ward. I was assigned to the gastrointestinal service. It's a whole different environment, a whole different world. There'll be more tasks and responsibilities...I just hope I'll be able to pull it off. After my orientation this morning, I went to Ospital ng Maynila (OM) to get a cd from a clerk and to return Doc Joy's book. It's a wonderful feeling to see OM again. I never thought I'll miss that place. At home talaga ako dun. But people need to grow up and widen their horizons. So here I come PGH.

This was my home for 1 year...

By the way, I had my first trodat made...well, actually it's not the real "trodat" but it's okay na rin.

Attacks

2007-04-30T00:59:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so down, really down. I'm just counting hours before I plunge into internship. I just imagine how different it would be if only dad's still here. I really really miss him. My life had been a lot difficult since he left. I've been miserable, especially now. I couldn't enumerate all the things that trouble me right now, it just wouldn't end. Sometimes, naiisip ko na lang na if given the chance, sasama ako sa daddy ko. I feel so sad talaga.

Friends, coffee, and tea

2007-04-23T14:57:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, nagkita-kita ang mga jologs. Sa dating cafeteria ng aming kolehiyo. Sa Rob place. It's always nice seeing my old college barkada. Starbucks was closed for renovation so we tried this another coffee shop, chaikofi, at Faura wing.

They are all working as chemists in industry. Glenn's finishing her masteral degree at UP Diliman while teaching biochemistry in De La Salle University. Rudolf's busy with research at DOST, in short, isa talaga siyang scientist. Co-author na nga yun sa mga journal. Coolness. Si Vanj naman, is working in an institute that checks on scientific journals regarding chemical compositions and God-knows-what-else. Basta kasi chemistry, hindi na ako updated, so whenever she explains to me the nature of her job, I just nod and smile. Jane failed to meet up with us, as usual. She has this new job, again. Sayang talaga, di kami kumpleto. We talked about a lot of things. We tried to catch up on each other's lives and reminisced on how we used to be. We're planning to put up a business someday. Pag-uwi raw ni Ance. Haha, kelan kaya yun.

vanj, rudolf, me and si jane (yung kettle na weird sa left ko)

cute pa rin kami after all these years

Another Day

2007-04-14T02:23:00.000+08:00

Ang lungkot-lungkot. As in. Ngayon ko lalo nararamdaman na wala na si daddy. It's usually during summer that I get to spend more quality time with him. I miss waiting for him from work, talking to him about anything, sharing my ideas and my dreams, arguing with him...I just miss him terribly. Ngayon ang tahimik sa bahay. Kami lang naman kasi ni daddy ang makulit talaga. We're like small kids, parehong pasaway. Ngayon ako na lang mag-isa. I just imagine all the good things he would've told me if he's still here, especially now that internship's just weeks away. Ang lungkot talaga. I cry everyday. Dati kasi, everyday pa rin ako umiiyak pero hindi na ako humahagulgol. Ngayon para uli akong namatayan. I just wish he's here. I wish I could tell him that I love him so much. And that I miss him. I wish he's here to share my joy about becoming a doctor. I wouldn't be what I am today without his love and guidance. He's my inspiration. Ang lungkot-lungkot ko talaga.

Starting a New Series

2007-04-12T19:51:00.000+08:00

It's good to be bumming around. I get to sleep more, eat more, and watch tv and dvds more. I really missed it. Whenever I get reminded that internship is just a few weeks away, I get really anxious. I don't think I'm ready for it yet. That's why I'm savoring every minute of my vacation. I already finished the season 2 of House MD and the latest episode of season 3 of Grey's anatomy (thanks to Janna). I now have a new addiction, a series which I just discovered only recently, "Prison Break." I first heard about it from my surgery residents, specifically Dr. Mujer. He said it was really good that I need to watch it. I started watching it the other day, and yes, he's definitely right, it's really really good. Aside from the Wentworth's good looks, the story is really amazing. I can't stop watching it!

Meet my new baby!

2007-04-12T18:53:00.000+08:00

There's a new add-on to the family...my baby Annie! It's a graduation gift from my Tita Baby, Ate Bon, Kuya Dwayne, Kuya Ta, Kuya Johann, Ate Nora and baby Nathan.

Breakfast with the First Gentleman

2007-04-04T00:13:00.000+08:00

As a treat to the scholars of the First Gentleman for graduating a medical degree, my mom and I, among others, were invited to a breakfast at the Malacanang Palace yesterday. My mom was reluctant to go at first. She's not used to meeting new people and going to new places. Anyway I was able to persuade her to go, plus, she had no other choice, I have no other parent to bring along.

When we arrived there, we were escorted to the roof garden of one of the extensions of the palace. We were greeted by the first gentleman Mike Arroyo himself. He was his usual jolly self. We were told to help ourselves to the breakfast buffet. There were a lot on the table, really. I stuffed my plate with lots of Vigan longanisa, my favorite. Robert used to bring home longanisa for me whenever he or his mom comes from Ilocos (wink wink). We enjoyed breakfast chatting with my other classmates and the other parents. Ms. Juris, the first gentleman's executive secretary, made a quick program for us. FG must go to his next item on the itinerary so we took lots of photos. He made his speech and congratulated us and then he left.

FG Mike Arroyo, Ms. Juris and Dr. Galvez with the 10 scholars

with Ms. Juris, Dr. Galvez...and...er...Dr. Flores

hey mom, smile a bit more...

After much chatting, we were toured around the palace. Mom had a great time, and I was happy that she did. It's been a long time since she went out of the house and actually had fun. It was a kodak moment for her...

you go mom!

my mom used to have a big crush on erap (hehe)

dear ate charo...ngek, mom, kaw pala!

mommy, smiling some more won't hurt, promise...

pwede...

Drumroll please...

2007-04-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, you may all know me well, but please allow me to reintroduce myself, I am now officially called, Charmaine Ann Magno Rabago, M.D. (applause, applause...) Haha! This time the nurses won't call me Doctora out of mere courtesy but because I am now really a doctora! Yeba! Actually, this blog was supposed to be posted 2 days ago but I ran out of internet hours, so there. I wrote this blog so differently then but moods change and I have a different frame of thinking today.

The whole graduation experience was like living a dream. It's like I was in a trance. It happened so quick that I had to ask myself over and over again if it's actually real. I was kinda disappointed, though, cause we were mixed with the other college degree graduates and we were the last to march and we didn't march all the way to the front for everyone to see us. It felt kinda wonderful to be stared and watched by other parents of college graduates differently, they were like wondering why our academic gowns were so different from their children's, plus our beret is octagonal. Well, what more can I say...(yabang noh...grin)

Everyone told me that my dad should have been proud of me and that he was there watching me. I kept on looking around, especially when my name was called on the stage to receive my diploma, but nope, I didn't see him. I was actually expecting to see a ghost standing maybe between Dr. Tayabas, the university president, and Dr. Galvez, the college dean. But I guess dad was not allowed to take a leave and visit the earth for a moment. He missed my big day. Again.

It was definitely a turmoil of different emotions. It's such a good thing I have friends who shared the same emotional rollercoaster ride. The pictures I've posted here are the same pictures that you would find in my friends' blogs. We look so cute that we can't get enough of ourselves.

The doctors...seriously...

...tearfully...

...triumphantly...

...disappointedly ("Please see the Registrar," what?)...

...insanely...

...happy!

nilagay talaga kami sa likod...as in...

waiting our turn for the spotlight

with my groupmates...el familia

just me and my mom to savor the moment

Mixed Emotions

2007-03-30T22:15:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday, we had our Hooding Ceremony at Justo Albert Auditorium. This event was even more important than the graduation itself. It symbolizes the final moment when the highest honor of education is being bestowed. This should also be the winning moment for the parents. Their son or daughter is really now a doctor. My mom and my Tita Ching were the ones who put the hood on me. I felt really happy that I've come to this starting point of my career, but I also felt an overwhelming sadness. I just imagined how my dad would look like when he puts the hood around my neck. He would probably make a joke about it. He would probably take pictures of me and my classmates nonstop that I would have to tell him off. He would probably do the usual annoying things that would tick me off...oh how I miss him so much. I miss being annoyed by him. Okay, enough...moving on...

Anyway, here are some of the pictures...

the beret looks kinda good on me, eh?

with mama y

group 5 class 2007

doctors at their best

Baccalaureate Pics!!!

2007-03-27T23:03:00.000+08:00

This afternoon, we had our Baccalaureate mass at the newly built Activity Hall at PLM. It's everybody's baccalaureate, meaning, graduates from all colleges and even postgrads were there. The place was fully packed...kids (yup, that's what I call the college graduates) were walking around in their "prom" clothes and semi-"yuppy"-wanna-be outfits. The mass was led by Bishop of Manila, however, due to the heat and disorder of the place, the solemnity of the mass was not kept. As ever known "pasaways," we took pictures instead.

hey look at the sun...nakapayong sa loob ng Activity Hall

Growing Anticipation

2007-03-25T21:03:00.000+08:00

Oh my gosh, in just a few days, there are two initials that would be added to my name: "M.D." I couldn't help by smile as I repeat it to myself over and over again. Years of endless study and hardship had paid off (though I am not saying that it's finally over and I could now rest cause truth of the matter is...IT'S NOT OVER YET). But I am gushing over the fact that I've come to another milestone of my life, and I'm really really grateful to the Lord for letting it happen. Although we all know that my happiness, no matter how great, is not complete. There should be this one person who should be celebrating with me, who might be telling everyone by now that he has a daughter who is now a doctor. I miss him so much. I dedicate this two letters that would be attached to my name to my dad, to his honor.

Anyway, I've been celebrating lately with my friends. It's hard to imagine that I'll be spending another year without these people who had already been part of my life, who had been more than just classmates and colleagues...they became my friends, my family. We've shared a lot together, through hardships and the insanity of clerksip, through demerits and perpetual duties. They made my clerkship so memorable and so worth remembering.

chillin' at starbucks after a night out with some residents

class picture at the grad ball, avr, ommc

what's left of the original G4

with one of the most loved residents at OMMC, Dr. De Leon

2006-12-26T10:58:00.000+08:00

I was watching my TV, watching another musical show of Christmas Carol. Mom was sleeping in the next room. Dad was making another research paper while drinking his hot chocolate drink. It was about 10 minutes before the clock would strike 12, before everyone would greet merry Christmas to each other. Just like the past Christmases, I was excited. I woke mom up and told dad to turn off his computer. Dad turned on the stereo and played Christmas songs. We gathered around the Christmas tree and said a short prayer. And then I kissed mom and dad, and gave each other's gifts. I received a pink cellphone bag, a first installment for a promised new cellphone which will be given after the New Year. I gave dad a new polo and my mom a new bracelet. We took pictures. We gathered around the table and ate our noche buena. We were so happy.

That was my last Christmas. I would never celebrate Christmas like that again. There would be no more gathering around the Christmas tree and exchanging of gifts. No more Christmas kisses. No more noche buena. Dad is now gone. What is Christmas without a family?

I spent my Christmas this year in Surgery ward with Janna, my groupmate. We brought foods for the semi-noche buena for our residents, interns, and other co-clerks. I tried to have that Christmas spirit going, it somehow made others think that I was indeed celebrating. Truth was, I was praying for it to be over. Scenes of past Christmases kept flashing in my mind. I just couldn't stand it. I was miserable. I wore my reindeer head dress to boost my christmas spirit. Everyone was laughing and was amused by it. I tried to get drunk but to my disappointment, I didn't. I slept after the kissing rounds (an old tradition by the Surgery residents). Thanks God, I woke up and it's finally Christmas morning. I hurried to get off duty and met mom at Zapote. We went to dad, greeted him merry christmas. This time, there's definitely no hugs and kisses. It's like greeting into the wind...unheard...no reply.

2006-12-26T10:45:00.000+08:00

Feeling reminiscent and sad this Christmas season, I checked my archive and read few of my blogs from distant past. I happened to read again one blog dated March 25, 2005 which I ought to dedicate to my dad. Here are few excerpts from that blog...

"He would always check on me during my review nights, asking if I'm still alright, reminding me that I can do it, that he'd be still proud of me no matter what the outcome of the exam will be. He always come home late, tired from work, but he would still have the energy and the time to listen to my nonstop whimpering about school, about this TV show I just watched, or a certain article I just read. He has been generous in sharing his insights about life. He has always been an inspiration. My inspiration. What would I do without him? What's life without him? What am I without him?

"He is not like that all his life. He went through all the highs and lows of life. He's been everywhere. Did almost everything. He said, he was never proud of the person he was before. And it took him a very long time to realize all his mistakes, all the time he wasted, all the chances he threw off. All the people he loved and lost. Maybe it's just pure luck that I came into his life at the right time. When he decided to straighten things up. I am just so lucky.

"It's hard not to sound so mushy and squishy whenever I talk about my dad. It makes me teary-eyed in an instant. I guess he doesn't have a slightest idea about it. I am a daddy's girl but I don't normally show to him how much he means to me. I wouldn't jump with glee when I see him home from work. I would just give him a peck on the cheek and say hi. I just check on his blood pressure and ask casually how he's feeling. I'm just so scared to show him how concern I am about him. It gives me this weird feeling that it would be the last. Whenever he tells me that something hurts on his chest and asks me to check on it, I'd make excuses because I don't want to give him a physical exam. I'm so scared that I'll discover something dreadful. I just don't wanna know firsthand. I can handle other people, just not my own dad. Let his physician do the work. I just wanna sit here and wait...and pray. I know I have to learn to deal with this. I just need to. I love my dad so much. He has to know about it. "

Sad thing is, I wasn't able to let him know how much I adored him. He never knew how much I love him. It was my cowardice that prevented him from knowing how much he was loved. And it's much too late...even much too late to regret.

Deviation

2006-11-08T20:51:00.001+08:00

I just read my past blogs and I realized that I haven't written something light and nice for a long time. I wasn't depressed all the time. I am now having my short daily "moments" and it helps a lot in keeping my sanity and control over things. A week after the internment of my dad, I went back to the hospital and for the first time I felt lucky to be loaded up with the toxicities of the ward and emergency room. I found seclusion in the ward of Internal Medicine. Yup, it's totally ironic to found shelter in a place where a lot of people are really really sick and dying...but I did. The toxicity of it all kept me going. It kept my mind running. Adrenaline is constantly high in my bloodstream, making me numb to pain, exhaustion and hunger. I was high.

Anyway, I told myself to start writing about happy things. Indeed, a lot of happy things happened during the past 4 months. I enjoyed my Internal Medicine so much that when I transferred to the Minors rotation, I experienced separation anxiety. It was in that rotation that I really felt I was helping patients get through their conditions. Really really fulfilling. But I also enjoyed a lot in my Minors rotation. My first major minor was ENT. I've always wanted to become an otorhinolaryngologist. People find me weird whenever I bounced my way through the ER for ENT patients who just had their face beaten, crushed, smashed from mauling or vehicular accident, or patients who come into ER with grossly purulent and foul-smelling ear discharge due to one-week history of ear infection. I happily sign them in and examine them. I am mostly happy whenever I have the chance to suture their lacerations on the face or put back their avulsed ear into their heads. Really nice. My love for ENT was greatly amplified during my rotation there. My residents love me, the consultants were impressed. I was motivated to read more and know more. This could be my career. I scrubbed into cases even after my rotation in ENT. I watch eagerly as consultants hold the scalpel in their hands and cut into the patients skin. One of the many interesting cases I scrubbed in was a patient with Basal Cell Skin Carcinoma who already had a pectoralis musculocutaneous flap for reconstruction of a defect in his lower lip and was then ready to have his flap returned to his chest. Here were some pics I took during the operation...

harvesting of skin graft from the patient's left thigh

placement of skin graft over the defect on the left pectoralis muscle

suturing of the skin graft

Slow Pace

2006-11-01T19:58:00.000+08:00

It has been four long months. Four agonizing months. I wasn't able to really mourn during my father's wake. I was not given that luxury of time to grieve and curl up in my own little corner and have my moment. I had no moment. There were so many tasks, so many obligations and responsibilities that I had to face, that I there was no time to pause and grieve. So day by day, for the past 4 months, I grieve. I just had to have a moment in each day when I could cry and call for my dad. And each time I grieve, I check for the truth, is he really gone? It seems like yesterday that we're eating breakfast together, having a little conversation about work in the hospital, about my patients, about anything, fighting over TV channels, laughing at our dogs' antics. It feels so surreal. But then I would be brought back to reality in minutes, realizing that it's really over. That I really really have to move on. Life goes on. Yeah, life really goes on, people around me are getting on with their lives, and I just think that I couldn't keep up. They get married, get promotions, move to different places, get into new relationships. But I'm still here, struggling to move forward inch by inch. The only person in the world who boosts me up to the top is now gone, and I'm just left here, like a car waiting to be towed.
I'm not sure how I'm gonna do this.

His light faded away

2006-07-12T10:42:00.000+08:00

Dad passed away last Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 6:30 am. I couldn't cry at first. It was like a big rock has been lifted, not because the agonizing anticipation had finally ended, but because dad had finally found rest. He didn't suffer that much because I kept on giving him morphine to ease his pain and anxiety. Tears began to fall when it finally sink in that he was definitely gone. I couldn't have him back. And I think I wouldn't want to have him back to experience all the agony and pain once again. It's so painful to lose him. But it's more painful to see him suffer. I love him so much.

2006-06-28T22:30:00.000+08:00

I wish I could turn back time. I wish my dad is strong again, vivid, and jolly. I miss the time when he would knock on my door upon coming home from work and he would make kulit, he was so makulit that sometimes I have to shove him out of my room to have some peace. I wish I never had shoved him out. I wish there are more of those moments when we would talk for long hours about my studies, my new experiences, my frustrations, my achievements, just anything about my day. And he never failed to make me feel much better after our talk. He used to share a lot of sensible thoughts, some of which are too crazy and out of this world, but that's him. He's not an ordinary man. I usually get great ideas from his great mind. He's a genius.

He was readmitted last Monday at Philippine General Hospital due to grade 3 bipedal edema, jaundice and ascitis. He already had his liver biopsy done. Poorly differentiated carcinoma, suggestive of adenocarcinoma. This type of cancer has the worst prognosis. I force myself not to think that it's all over now. But my defenses melt each time I would be hit by the hard reality of his condition that keeps on worsening each day. He cannot move a lot now. He spends his day on his bed, with an IV line and a foley catheter inserted. He has spontaneous bleeding and generalized hematoma. His liver is really shutting down. His albumin level is really low causing his ascitis and edema. All of these, I can tolerate. The physician in me keeps my composure because my brain keeps on explaining and understanding what's going on. What I can't bear is the look in his eyes. I see genuine fear. I have never seen that look in him before. It is also recently that I saw him cry like a baby for the first time. He doesn't want to leave us. But it seems that hope is beginning to abandon his spirit. And I'm struggling so hard not to lose mine.

In the midst of all these agony, God has still been good to us. He never left us in the dark. He keeps on sending angels to help us emotionally and even financially. Friends are always beside us. My Tita Alice, Tito Jun and my brothers are always with us everyday. And last Sunday, Tito Claro with his family came home from US for daddy. I caught that spark in dad's eyes when they came. I thought I lost that spark forever. And God really knows the perfect time to give His blessings. Without searching for it, a scholarship that would shoulder my expenses for the next two years was dropped right into my hands. All I need to do is to payback as a Barrio Doctor in a province for only two years. I am even allowed to get my residency training first before proceeding to my payback. It's not a bad deal at all. Simply because it's a grace from God Himself.

2006-05-14T14:03:00.000+08:00

When life unfolds its mysteries upon you, it does so painfully and slowly. It pours so copiously that I just find myself drowning helplessly. Why it all happen at the same thing remains a mystery. And that's life. Full of questions. Why my father had to be inflicted with cancer is one big primary question that has been bugging me these past few days. How do I deal with it? Where will I get my strength from when the only person in the world who has been my steadfast shoulder of might is now slowly suffering?

My dad has always been the driving force of my life. He's my father, my mentor, my friend, my fan. The sole model of what a father should be. My inspiration. My reason for everything. For the past months he had been complaining of vague epigastric pain. I've always thought that it’s just a simple case of constipation or maybe dyspepsia. If you've always looked up to a person as your steel of strength, that person becomes like an invincible human who cannot be inflicted with any disease. It just couldn't be possible. Or I just chose not to think it's possible. And so I just told him several times to go see a doctor. That's kinda weird, to think that I'll become a doctor soon. Perpetual case of denial I guess.

But the pain grew in intensity which prompted my dad to seek consult some days ago. He had an abdominal CT scan. He has metastatic lesions in the liver, a soft mass in the head of pancreas, cholelithiasis, kidney stones, segmental calcifications of the aorta, and some calcification of the prostate gland. Of these findings, my attention was drawn into the metastatic lesions of his liver. Metastasis. I felt a cold shiver in my spine. For tumor cells to metastasize, the primary tumor cells must have been present for quite some time already. Or we could have been dealing with an aggressive cancer. I brought the CT scan films to our chief resident of radiology. His reading had been consistent with the initial reading. I have to act fast. Short of biopsy, the primary cancer could have been from the pancreas. And I know that it is a highly aggressive disease with very poor prognosis.

I felt like the world was crushing upon me. I have dealt with several patients already, and I have helped them get through their difficult situations. Somehow, I know that I have imparted compassion and enlightenment. But now that my own father is sick, I feel that I could not give anything. I could not say any comforting words. I could not move a single bone. I felt paralyzed. I just want to lock myself in my room, go to sleep, and hope that everything will be okay again when I wake up in the morning. It's true, reality bites. And it sucks.

Enjoy while it last

2006-04-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

I had a splendid weekend. Yup, that "s" word hasn't rang my vocabulary for a long time but now it actually did. My creativity side kicked in and I'm so glad of my little accomplishments. Yesterday, I bought some ribbons and real pearls. I strung them together to make my own Victorian pearl bracelet. Actually, I could simply buy one from any kikay store but their pearls are not real and I hate wearing fancy jewelries. I always try to stick to gold or white gold, real gems and stones, or good silver if there's nothing else. For me, fashion accessories should not only look nice but should also have value. Anyway, I also repaired some of my bracelets and put new locks on them.

My own Victorian pearl bracelet...I'll try to make some more!

These are old rose quartz beads that my aunt gave

me when she came back from India

Old jade stones and red stones that Mama Y used to call

the "fruit cake" beads

I cleaned up my bedroom and put some kikay accents. It's such a good feeling to actually do something for myself. Haay...I'll miss having the weekend all by myself!

and then we're slowing it down a bit

2006-04-18T20:41:00.000+08:00

They shut down Ospital ng Maynila last week. To our delight, we were deployed to Ospital ng Sampaloc only once. I had at least 2 days of rest. They closed down the hospital because they want to do some renovations and electrical adjustments. I am just so glad to have some break from that forsaken place. Our duty at Ospital ng Sampaloc went well. It went so well that we almost went nuts because we're not used to being so benign. We just had 2 admissions (imagine that?!). For some reason (well, I guess they're just cost-cutting), they don't have an anesthesiologist at night and their laboratory closes at 6 pm. So all we did was transfer our confused patients to other hospitals. I just had a peaceful time chatting and bonding with Roi and our intern Chona at the ER. Maybe due to boredom, we spooked ourselves with "endorsed" unseen beings in that hospital. Oh well.

-ooOoo-

Out of our dean's orders, we were forced to go back to our university to undergo a basic life support training by the Red Cross. We completed the course in 2 days. It was also fun although I felt a little stupid the first time I tried doing CPR on my partner. We had our final practicals this morning and I got confused with my counting. It went okay, as well as the written exam, so I'll be expecting a certificate and a Red Cross ID in 3 weeks.

-ooOoo-

Chrissy and I discovered a new merienda place at the Intramuros Arch. Actually it's an old place but it has now a new owner and they changed the place a bit. It has a new ambiance that Chrissy and I both like. They have these really pretty mediterranean lamps which I couldn't keep my eyes off. They're really lovely.

And the Saga Continues

2006-04-12T20:51:00.000+08:00

So many things happened already. I don't know where to start. So many emotions have been tormented over and over and I sometimes go numb like a stone. My small group's initial strategy about handling our patients failed tremendously that we were labeled as the worst small group of our entire big group. Our performance was so terrible that we were stripped off our dignity and worst of all, our credibility. Just one terrible mistake led us to this unending downfall. It cost us everything. Luckily, I feel that I am not all alone in this plight. My groupmates and I learned that in order for us to move on, we have to unite ourselves and love each other. I feel so lucky despite everything because I have groupmates who are sensitive about each other, who are really hard workers, and who are not selfish and self-centered people. With them, I feel that I could face the challenges that clerkship keeps on throwing at me with confidence. I pray that my small group will forever be united, and that we'll continue to stick together not just as co-clerks but as true friends. In celebration of our small achievements this past few days, we decided to grab a drink at Giligan's the other day...

Roi and Jaja (Jaja was giving a reenactment of our antics)

We're still smiling...

Me and Chrissy girl

Hands down...

ooOoo

Clerkship is not only about handwork, mindwork and paperwork, it's also involves a lot of footwork. My usual routine includes walking back and forth the wards, going up and down 4 floors to retrieve lab results, make Internal Medicine referrals, bookings at Anesthesiology (I did this only once, thank God), bringing patients down to groundfloor for x-ray or ultrasound. In short, at the end of the routine, my feet are screaming in pain, my vessels are dilated, and my brain keeps on saying that I could have thromboembolism any moment. I want to buy compression stockings although its quite costly. I think it'll be all worth it.

My two wheels are all tired and swollen

ooOoo

As of this time, I've already learned a lot of skills in my OB rotation. I'm quite lucky to have a resident who allows me to have as much normal spontaneous deliveries as I could handle. Truly, as what my mentor-doctors said, there's nothing that could fully describe the feeling when you deliver a baby into this world. It's an extraordinary magical feeling that gives me a natural high each time. It's so fulfilling. It's like my life is also reborn together with the baby.

Newborn babies!!!

doing episiotomy requires patience and a lot of practice

assisting in a caesarian section procedure

2006-03-26T19:22:00.000+08:00

The past 2 weeks were the most difficult times of my life. The misery, in fact, hasn't ended yet. I don't know when this latent phase of adjustment and uncertainty would end. Life as a medical clerk is a nonstop whirling world of madness. I never felt so tired and wasted like this in my whole existence. It's as if every drop of life left in me is persistently draining itself away. I cried hard a few times already, and each time I break down, I ask myself "ano ba itong napasukan ko?" "eto na ba talaga yung ginusto kong maging?" "is medicine really for me?" "tanga ba ako?" "bakit feeling lost na naman ako?"

As Pupao said, it's not really the intellectual capacity that throws me off into this feeling of uncertainty. It's all about striving to incorporate oneself into an unfamiliar system of unsystematic and unreasonable rules. It's like throwing onself into a pan of boiling oil, and then still expecting to afloat unscalded. It's an ultimate test of emotional and spiritual integrity. And so far, I'm limping my way through it.

During hard times like this, it's very important to have some people who would give emotional support. Unfortunately, I felt that I was abandoned to be eaten alive by my self-pity. My grandmother had a stroke and was kept in an ICU for a week. My parents were always there to look after her. It's so sad to say that I felt unimportant. After my straight 36-hour duty, I come home to an empty house with only my dogs to greet me and lick the tears away from my face. If not for Robert's continued thoughtfulness, I guess I would be completely consumed by my loneliness and depression.

Little by little, day by day, I am learning to adjust to this new found world of clerkship. And little by little, I am enjoying and appreciating the small important things that make this profession noble. Seeing my patients well and ready to be sent home give me this sense of accomplishment. Delivering a newborn baby after a very difficult labor is so gratifying that I don't feel my tiredness in an instant. Having a significant role in other people's lives, whether they recognize it or not, quickly assures me of my importance in this world. God is good, He would light my way as I throd into this journey of hardships and pain.

Little bundle of joy

With Co-Clerk Chrissy at Delivery Room

With Nina, Dr. Merly Rosario, and Intern Chona Fabian

-ooOoo-

My sister Bon came back from the States with her husband. We had dinner with our dad and brothers at Cafe Adriatico last Thursday. It's a picture of happy siblings circled around their father. I miss my sister so much.

Me and Ate Bon

Belt Bag Addict!!!

2006-03-08T21:23:00.000+08:00

I decided to buy a belt bag today. I went to Quiapo with Rhen. Well, actually, I didn't really think about buying a bag today, it's just one of those spontaneous moments. I thought I'd need a belt bag for clerkship to keep my diagnostic thingies handy. And so I surveyed "my" bag building located just near the Quiapo Church. I was looking for something fashionable, not bulky, and yet spacious enough for my things. And due to my uncontrollable impulsiveness, I ended up buying two belt bags.

Rhen was laughing at my hastiness. She's never seen someone shop like that. Well, that's really me when it comes to shopping for bags...a total uncontrollable wild addict!

When Hell Breaks Lose...the Light from Heaven Shines Still

2006-03-05T14:26:00.000+08:00

I thought of this day as one of my triumphant milestones. I know that clerkship is one year of unimaginable hardships and pain, but I still looked forward to this day because this is the lowest step of the ladder towards my dream. And taking it only means that I'm one step closer to my goal. The lowest form of animal, as they call it, is what I've been aiming to become this past 3 years. But today that I've been promoted, today that my name is imprinted clearly on the presently most important piece of paper for the med third year students, I felt that my happiness is not complete. I am not in my expected jubilant spirit. It's so sad to think that I will not be able to share this joy with some people.

-oOo-

Reeling a few days back from our promo board, I was really anxious about the possible outcome of the most stupid thing I did in my whole existence in med school. The possibility that I would be detained or that I would be dissected and scrutinized by the Chinese medical community made me really freak out. I could only imagine Dr. Go's face as he would narrate the incident to the next batch. I've learned my lesson the hard way, and I just wish they would just forget about it and not cause a negative impact on my future career. I'll just try to stay away from Chinese General Hospital as much as possible.

-oOo-

And as if fate was not yet satisfied with my plight, it decided to add another twist to my already compounded problem. I received my Med Ethics grade and was shocked that I have “no grade” in my research and seatwork. No grade = zero. What the f**k?! I asked one of my profs in that subject about it and she just threw back the question at me. According to her, maybe I really had a deficiency. In my whole stay in med school, or even in my whole academic education altogether, I never had a deficiency in any subject. The worst advice I got from that prof was that I should content myself with the idea that I got a good grade in the second shifting and finals and that I don't have to worry that I'll flunk the subject. Hello? Flunk med ethics? And so I brought up the issue to the dean and she promised me that "she'll look into it." I talked to Dr. Munarriz about it and she was mad that she wanted to talk to the dean about it but I told her not to because I know that it could have a graver consequence if I let her get involved. That night, the college secretary texted me to come to school the next day so that I could see some corrections she made. And so I saw her the next day only to find out that she didn't just make simple corrections, she made a total overhaul of our grades because she mixed up everything. As in everything. My final first shifting grade rose to 88 from the initially computed grade of 77. And she still insisted it's just a "simple mistake." Whatever.

-oOo-

Despite all that, I am still thankful to the Lord for promoting me. I guess He let all those things happen to remind me that I could never go anywhere without His grace. I am nothing without Him. Clerkship is another trying phase in my life. It would surely be a difficult year. But it would only be impossibly difficult if I would plunge into it on my own. With God's grace, everything is possible. His promise is the only sure thing I could cling on especially when things go rough. Having these in mind, I am now revitalized and ready to thrust myself into another indefinite phase of my life.

2006-02-20T20:54:00.000+08:00

This is the worst day of my life.

Just Before I Plunge Into Finals

2006-02-18T12:50:00.000+08:00

Wow, the fourth shifting exams is over! Just like that. The week flew by so fast I just realized that it's Saturday again, and that I have to get ready for finals on Monday. But where do they expect me to get my strength back? I guess I won't study for this finals. I'll just let it take it's own swing. This is not a sign of giving up, very far from it. It's just being realistic. How do they expect me to review everything from the start? Read Harrison and Schwartz cover to cover? Hello?! Maybe I'll study for medical therapeutics, but that would be it. Just what we've learned in the past, it's better to take the exams with full mental faculty and a well-rested body and mind than with a wasted brain and total lack of sleep.

So I had a relaxing morning today, I watched 3 classic movies. I just discovered that I have a TCM on my cable. Cool! Now I could watch classic movies whenever I want. Anyway, I watched Bachelor in Paradise, Harvey Girls (Judie Gardland is really great), and Fame. The latter is a complete musical. Nonstop singing and dancing. Made me remember my dancing years. It also made me wonder about some "what ifs." But it's kinda useless to really lament on it. What's lost can't be regained. I've lost good long years and it's impossible to go back. Besides, those memories just make me sad, but it doesn't mean that I'll trade what I am right now to what I could have been before.

-oOo-

And so I've toiled over the exams this past week. I drank a lot of coffee that I noticed last Thursday that my skin had gone really dry. As in it's mildly peeling. However, this was not so surprising, especially when I checked the contents of my drawer...

Maybe you're wondering why I keep all of my used coffee sachets in my drawer. I also don't know. Maybe to constantly remind myself that I'm overstretching my caffeine limits. Weird.

Anyway, there were several moments during my long reviews that I got bored, or just went blank, just what the computer monitor does to save power, or completely doze off to sleep (despite all efforts to stay up).

This is my study nook...I don't use my study table because the space is not enough.

I stopped studying on my bed, it's proven dangerous and narcolepsis-inducing habit.

I just love my jumbo snooze pillow. It keeps me comfy while studying. I had this

small table custom-made, it's height is just right and helps me maintain my posture.

another empty cup of coffee. this cup is one of my collection.

yup, i know this is pretty hazardous to my safety. my wall of books seems to be falling upon me.

Random thoughts

2006-02-11T17:58:00.000+08:00

I should be breaking my back and have an IV line placed on me for convenient continuous infusion of caffeine right now for shifting exams. As always, I'm battling against procastination. I don't know but I just can't concentrate, a lot of things are circling inside my head. Hmmm...maybe I should have not accepted any compromise. Things would be better if only I've listened to my heart and stood up to what is right. But I've blown it and got to wait for another chance to choose the path that would lead me to my happiness. Well, that's what I get from having a soft heart and a brittle wall of defenses.

-oOo-

Anyway, I've been trying to raise some money to buy new stuff for clerkship. I'm selling medical baby notes to my classmates. I got this idea from Stuart Little and it was supported by my bestfriend Rhen, so there.

-oOo-

We had our grad pics taken 2 weeks ago. I was really excited about it. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied with my makeup, my eyes looked more squinted (it has a natural squint, especially when I'm smiling). However, I had a fun time choosing my attire for creative shot. I decided to be a cowgirl...

Unfortunately, I looked like a Japayuki instead.

-0Oo-

My mom gave me an advanced Valentines gift. I was really delighted to receive another stuff toy. His name is Pong Pagong cause he really looks like that giant turtle from Batibot.

Meet my family

2006-01-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

I wasted my whole Saturday lying around, taking pics of myself, my mom and my brothers. My dad came home late so he was not able to get included in my photo galore. Anyway, my brothers were like suspicious the first time I focused the phone on them, maybe they were like thinking that the crazy gadget would suddenly explode. But they got the hang of it, and I think they started to like it so much that whenever I have the phone in my hand, they would start posing while wait for my signal. Anyway, here are some of their pics...meet my siblings...

inuyasha "shian" yoshinoya tepanyaki

baby bunso "shane"

Oh yeah baby!

2006-01-21T22:18:00.000+08:00

Waaaaahhhh! Hahahahahaha! delirious, euphoric, elated, overjoyed, jubilant, thrilled, delighted...I'm ALL THAT. The long wait is oooveeeerrrrrrr! Got a new phone! Actually, the phone model I got is not my number one choice, but it's the next best thing that could fit my budget. I couldn't wait any longer, not only because "patience is not my virtue," but more so of my mother's defiant decision that my budget wouldn't be increased, no matter what I do or say or wait. So better get that phone NOW!

hey now, hey now...don't dream it's over...

Anyway, I'm PMS-ing for almost a week now. If not for the new phone, I guess I would have a continuous flat affect all throughout the weekend. It's really difficult to think straight and focus on stuff that needs to be done when my hormones are like toning down the neurotransmission across my brain synapses. I think the only active synapses I have left are for pain sensation. Hyperesthesia. I don't even want to move a single joint. Well, except my interphalangeal joints when I'm taking pics from my new phone hahaha!

Aarrgh!

2005-12-28T19:30:00.000+08:00

Contentment is such a lofty dream.

I feel you

2005-12-26T17:59:00.000+08:00

Just read my friend's blog who's already a clerk at some hospital (she didn't specify where). She complains of being constantly mistaken as a nurse. Yup, I know that striking feeling in the gut. When you suddenly feel like having vertigo upon hearing someone call you the "N" word. It's like you want to strike that person in the head and dump the body somewhere. It's really no offense to the nurses. It's just that there's a huge difference in the job description. And uniform. It's so sad that most think that people who wear white uniform are all nurses, or nursing students. There's a major difference in the style of uniforms. Nurses wear this straight A-line dress with distinctive sleeves and belt. And hello, that white cap on their heads is like a huge sign screaming "I'm the Nurse!" Whereas medical students, clerks or interns wear two-piece clothing: a blouse with multiple buttons at the side or at the middle, paired either with pants or skirt. Nurses wear stockings and white shoes. Doctors-to-be simply don't.

I guess not all people would understand what we feel whenever we're mistaken as nurses, unless you're also a medical student. Chewing every page of Harrison and Schwartz and drinking gallons of coffee 24/7 are not simple things. Deprivation of quality sleep and food are just few of the things we endure. Calling us nurses is the farthest thing acceptable in our sorry plight.

hurrah to the new look!

2005-12-26T17:48:00.000+08:00

I decided to make a major reconstructive procedure on my blogsite. I still love my yellow background with my cute puppies theme, but I now need something that would put my mindset straight to what I am preparing myself for...clerkship! I know this current theme is a bit more serious than the previous, and it kinda looks more of a hospital website than a blogsite. But maybe that's what I want myself to be..."kinda" more serious about the things to come. I opted for the clean white look although I tried different color schemes before I settled for this one. I tried to put some fun to it but unfortunately, most "fun" themes I saw were so teeny-bop or not so "me", or too cute for me. I first considered making a Degas or a Monet theme but then I decided to reserve that for my other personal blogsite. This theme is not final yet. I might get bored with it soon and change it to another theme, or maybe revert it back to my former puppies theme. Haay, contentment is such a lofty goal.

A piece of etiquette

2005-11-27T18:16:00.000+08:00

A lot of people are getting married nowadays. And despite the fact that we're living in a modern society, and a lot of traditions have been discarded due to practicality, I think that etiquette must be always be remembered, especially in special occasions like this. For those who are planning to get married, here are some tips for organizing who pays for what for your wedding.

What should the brides family pay for?
hire of a venue, hotel or reception hall
caterers
drinks
the wedding cake
flowers for the ceremony, reception and bridesmaid's bouquets
car hire from the bride's home to the ceremony and from the ceremony to the reception (unless the grooms parents have offered to pay for all transportation)
ceremony music
printing and mailing of invitations
newspaper announcements
photography & videography

What should the grooms family pay for?
Traditionally the grooms family has not been involved in paying for any items relating to the wedding but in recent years it is certainly becoming a much more common practice for them to contribute

alcohol at reception
music and entertainment for the reception
could offer to pay for wedding car transport
pay for half the reception especially if half of the guests are on their side.

What should the groom pay for?
any church or ceremony location fees
the bride's wedding ring
the bride's bouquet
wedding gift for the bride
boutonniere flowers for himself and his entourage
marriage licence
transport from ceremony location to reception (at least or even all wedding car hire)
corsages for both mothers
gifts for all attendants, his the brides and flower girl & page boy if there are any

What should the bride pay for?
traditionally even the wedding gown was paid for by the brides parents but today, depending on the circumstances many brides choose to purchase their own gown.
she could offer to pay for half of the bridesmaid's dresses or for dressmaking costs, fabric costs and pay for any accessories.
the grooms wedding ring
a gift for the groom

What should the best man pay for?
Nothing - he is responsible for the rings on the day and before that he is usually the one to organise the grooms bachelor night. The cost of which should be shared by the grooms entourage.

What should the bridesmaids pay for?
It really depends on individual finances. It use to be that the bride paid for all the bridesmaids and maid of honour dresses and shoes, today however that cost is often shared. If the brides attendants do need to pay for their own dresses then the choice is also shared. The bridesmaids can then choose something they feel comfortable wearing after the wedding as well.
If the bride has a distinctive colour and style in mind and insists on the attendants wearing what she alone has chosen and it is something the bridesmaids are not likely to wear afterwards, she should also pay for the dresses.

Kinda Lost

2005-11-27T14:29:00.000+08:00

I still miss my kuya Scorch. I don't know if I'll believe the Catholic teaching that animals don't have a soul. Only humans do, and that's what make us special in the eyes of God. It's just that it's so hard to imagine that these creatures of God who also walk the earth, share their lives with people around them, give love and care for both humans and their own kind of species, play their essential part in this circle of life, actually don't possess a soul. When they expire, they're just gone. They have the same capability of loving as much as humans do, and according to the church, they just go back to dirt when they die. It' so sad to think of it that way.

Life is so unpredictable. You just don't know when you're gonna leave this world, and how. My classmate, Ansel, just died of multiple infarct last Friday. It was such a shock for all of us. He even reported in our Med Ethics class and shared some insights to the class. Nobody had the least idea of what's gonna happen next. The next thing we knew, there's already a text brigade being passed around about his sudden death. I never liked him. In fact, I have always been irritated by him whenever we have a group work or project together. He had his way of doing things that just didn't fit in to how the group planned it. We never got along pretty well. But I was really saddened by his death. It's so painful to lose a classmate that way. Who would've thought that we would lose one classmate just 3 months before clerkship? I really feel sorry for his wife and son. May God be with them.

To My Kuya Scorch

2005-11-19T14:52:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired of being here

suppressed by all of my childish fears

and if you have to leave

i wish that you would just leave

because your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears

when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears

and i've held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me

by your resonating light

but now i'm bound by the life you left behind

your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears

when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears

and i've held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

and though you're still with me

i've been alone all along

I love you kuya...till we meet again...

Scorch

February 1996-November 17, 2005

Soggy Brained

2005-10-23T16:53:00.000+08:00

I feel like a soaked veggie right now (huh?)...see, I am even positive for neologisms and I don't know why. Maybe it's just my hormones, female cycle is really complicated, it makes my brain soggy (huh again?) Alright, alright, I feel like I have to make a blog update so I'll try as much as my soggy brain could to make a levelheaded entry.

I did what I said I'm gonna do with my self-proclaimed-one-day-sem-break. Yes, it's only one day and I can't ask for more. Can't even complain. I am not complaining. I don't wanna complain. Enough. And so I cleaned my room, vacuumed every corner of it, polished all the wooden furnitures I have, and arrange my books and other school stuff. I gave Shian a bath, as I promised. Since I didn't wanna waste my momentum, I also gave our other dogs a bath. And also our neighbors' dogs. And as if not contented, I even thought of throwing the cats into the water. I just figured they wouldn't like it and would probably scratch me, so I decided not to do so. I watched tv after that. It's so nice to have the remote control all by yourself, switching channels endlessly and aimlessly, watching and making sense out of the chinese and japanese channels. And mind you, without the guilt. I watched about 5 shows of Discovery channel and I felt really pleased to put other sensible things into my head besides medical stuff. And then I watched Hallmark channel for like 5 hours straight. I was really really happy. I would remember that day forever (sniff...sniff).

So enough about my one-day-break. Let's talk about my much dreaded topic: my shifting exams' results. First Shifting was really good. I was kinda surprised with my second shifting results. It was like a major twist and turn of events, I could almost imagine making an omelette out of my grades. The subjects I thought I've studied thoroughly for the exams gave me so-so grades. From quite respectable grades last shifting, they slid down, way way down to the almost unimaginable. Not failing the subject doesn't give me any satisfaction, or relief. I was never aiming for the top but I've always had my standards at least above average. And getting those grades were like a wake-up call that maybe, I am being too complacent about my studies. On the other hand, the results of the subjects that I wasn't able to study well surpasses my expectations. Remember when I said in my previous blog that I slept through my Medicine review and woke up the next morning really afraid because I wasn't even able to lift a page of my book? I surprisingly got a good grade. I don't know if it's because the topic was cardiology which is my favorite among all the systems or it's because of God's mercy, He doesn't want me to feel really depressed. Speaking of depression, I am ruling in the possibility that my depression could actually be due to my hormonal imbalance, because checking on my calendar, I don't feel depressed for the past few days. I feel kinda...like a soggy veggie.

I did a series of stress-relieving activities this past week. I went into videoke with my friends. Singing is such an effective serotonin-releasing activity. I sang a couple of songs, really enjoyed it, enjoyed it so much I thought of having the videoke machine all by myself. Ofcourse I didn't do it, singing with friends is more fun than singing alone. And just when I thought that we're at the peak of our enjoyment, the "Sleighride" song just finished without any warning. Gone just like that. And then last Friday, I felt like I don't wanna go home early. We decided to go to Janice's party. I ate a lot. Then drank at least 6 shots of tequilla. I was in my laughing trip mode. Everyone thought (well, for those who've seen me drunk for the first time) that I was really drunk and that I've lost my sense of being altogether. I even remember Ramil attempting to make me believe that I owe him 500 bucks. Hehehe, Ramil, you should try your luck next time. And Marlon, you're the official "boy bastos." Alcohol had an ecstatic effect on me, I could have almost started believing it could make my worries disappear. I was really euphoric. But then I know that I should not do it again. (Sorry Janice, I think I could really not be a member of the regular drinking sprees). I was really really worried about what my boyfriend's mom would think of me. It's not such a good thing to remember about me.

during our videoke stress-releasing moment

I watched Lord of War last Wednesday (I think). I thought I wouldn't like it because I'm tired of all the films in which the producers devise their titles with "lord of .... (something)" thinking that they would get the same blockbusting charm of the Lord of the Rings. Anyway, it's not about any hobbits or elves. It's about a man who works as an agent, or as a dealer of weaponry to terrorists, rebels, virtually to any group who can pay. It's more of a morality issue movie. Really nice. I liked it.

My soggy brain is tired. Hmm...I'll try to do something about it, maybe hang it dry for a few minutes. See, I am tired...

Just Stretching a Bit

2005-10-10T10:09:00.000+08:00

I just received a series of blows from my second shifting exams last week. Feeling ko knock-out talaga ako. The worst thing is, Tuesday pa lang, wasted na ako. As in I slept through my medicine review, I came to school feeling refreshed and relaxed, wala naman akong alam. I dunno but I think I need higher doses of caffeine next time. I was narcoleptic the whole week. I just hope and pray that my "lucky jades" will work for me. Anyway, I don't have a sem break so I'll make one for myself...hindi ako papasok. Kahit magalit pa ang mga panginoon ng aming kolehiyo, bahala sila. All I'm thinking right now is how I'm going to spend my "sem break." I'll probably eat and sleep the whole day and then surf the net at night. Maybe clean my room "a little." Give Shian a bath. Watch Sex and the City vcds. Tumunganga. I have to make the most out of it because 4 months from now, the only break I'll have is sighing between my breaths. Excited and scared nako for clerkship. Bahala na si Batman.

ang aking kasalo sa kape...nina

Anch, Asan Ka Na?!

2005-09-25T17:01:00.000+08:00

kung sino man ang nakakakita sa kaibigan kong si ance, ipagbigay alam lamang po sa akin...

Make It Real

2005-09-25T16:55:00.000+08:00

it's been a year

we met each other here

Here I am all alone

as thoughts of you go on

Hear me cryin' out to you

you said, "Never, never would I leave"

Here's a tear from me to you

and maybe it will make you hear me

CHORUS

I loved you

You didn't feel the same

Though we're apart

You're in my heart

Give me one more chance to

Make it real

In a dream you are here

You smile and hold me near

And in my heart I'll pretend

that you are here again

Hear me cryin' out to you

You said, "Never, never would I leave"

Here's a tear from me to you

and maybe it will make you hear me

Chorus

Give me one more chance to

Make it real

Backtrack...

2005-09-23T04:01:00.000+08:00

I don't have much time to blog now. Sayang, kasi I have a lot of things in mind to blog about. But for now, I'm posting these pics from our not so recent Likas acquaintance party. I'm thinking of cutting my hair but maybe not too short. Grad pic taking is only a few months away.

binyagan ba ito?

people who keep me sane

naku talaga

2005-09-14T17:56:00.000+08:00

I'm in deep trouble in our FCM (Family and Community Medicine) subject. The teachers have this habit of bombarding us with quizzes every meeting. I'm just so tired of it. I keep on getting really low scores because the coverage is usually long and there's not enough time to study it. So this morning, when I received the result of my quizzes last week, I loudly exclaimed about how stupid the person who checked my quiz was. My answers were correct, I just forgot to indicate one small detail which I believe was not really that necessary. The other teacher heard me and well...good luck na lang sa career ko. They'll remember me as the student who bad mouthed about the other teacher and...haay...good luck na lang talaga sa akin. I now realized the impact of what I did, I really regret saying that verbally (or saying that in front of the other teacher, at least). Grrr...I should learn to avoid acting on impulse, it only gets me into trouble. Now, the bitches that they are, they'll surely make my life in FCM more difficult. Just imagine all the added unnecessary stress I'll be getting for the rest of the school year.

Losing People

2005-09-04T15:35:00.000+08:00

Nothing's permanent in this world. Everything's ought to change. Life goes on whether you like it or not. You can't simply hold on to people you've learned to love forever. Despite the crazy things I've been doing in med school, there never was a day that went by without feeling nostalgic about some people. It's not being mushy. It's just that there are some people who have left a deep mark in my heart and memory, and they would continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.

I had a bestfriend in gradeschool. We were classmates for just a year and then she left with her family to migrate in US. It took me about 2 years to find out her address and write to her. We exchanged countless letters for eleven years. Everytime she goes back here in the Philippines, we would meet and get updated about each other's lives. It's as if we were never really separated. The last time she went back here was also the last time we spoke to each other. I guess it really was my fault. She went back during my shifting exams (I was a freshman in medschool at that time) and I didn't have time to meet her up. A whole month passed by and I still failed to make time for her. And when she went back to US, that's the end of our friendship. She never spoke to me eversince, never answered my emails and letters. I guess she was too mad at me that she just wanted to forget about me.

I tried holding on to some people but they still decided to move away. Maybe it's due to the fact that you don't always get in return what you give to other people. Loving and caring for them doesn't mean they'll do the same thing for you. It's this simple truth that makes the past so much painful to remember.

However, there are also some people who have also shared a lot of happy and memorable moments, but didn't bother me in anyway when they moved away. As in deadma. I didn't feel any regrets or didn't feel the urge to make it up to them. Maybe because they've hurt me several times already that losing them is actually a relief rather than a tragedy.

I don't know the reason why I am feeling like this right now. I should be reading my Harrison (I need to have a panic attack!) but here I am, feeling wistful and sad. Torturing myself about people who are gone. Wondering if they ever think of me.

Updates

2005-08-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

Finally, the shiftings exams are over!!! Hahaha! Sobrang nagagalak at naloloka ako ngayon! hehehe! It was only last night that I got to sleep really really well, as in there' no guilty feeling about it. Though I still worry about the results of the exams (especially that of Medical Therapeutics), I prefer to enjoy this weekend, while I still can.

So here are the updates. Dami pa dapat niyan but I couldn't upload some other pics.

Cutie

I wonder when I'm gonna have something like this...

This is Mae Fleur's baby, Gabriel! Super cute noh! Inggit nako, inggit nako!

Schizo

Two weeks ago, we had a play in our Psych class wherein we have to show the signs and symptoms of a schizophrenic patient. Our group wanted our story to begin from childhood to adolescence to adulthood so there were about 4 people who would play the lead role ("Rica") at different ages. So how could the audience tell that they're playing the same role? We decided to put a distinguishing feature on the character, hence, the "nunal."

Left: Over achiever Rica (note the stars); Right: Cheerleader Rica (Go Jannah)

Left: Office girl na pa-cute; Right: full-blown Rica (best actress Janice)

We had fun doing the play. Other groups also presented schiz and other psychotic disorders and all went well naman. That day was also fun because Rhen got to visit us. She was actually the one who took this pics. I miss you girl!

Acquaintance Party

Last Friday, our block had an acquaintance party, a.k.a. lunch, at Don Henrico's. Tiff and I came late coz she missed her turn in Pedro Gil. Why? Because we're so busy talking about the soundtrack of the not-yet-released film by Robbie Williams and Renee Zelwegger. When we arrived at Don Hen, people were there already, and we're still mostly from the original sec CD. But I guess it's okay, the point naman is to bond with some of our other new classmates. Wally showed us some samples of grad pics. We're gonna have our grad pics taken this year! I am so excited! We decided to have it this year cause next year will be clerkship and I guess nobody wants to look toxic or "ngarag" in their most awaited grad pics. The lunch went well, especially for Wapi who had his pics taken with his crushes. I just hope we'll get to bond more with our new classmates next time.

Bag Break

2005-08-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to post a lot of updates today, but I'm still waiting for the pictures to be sent to my email. Anyway, shifting exams are just a week away and I am not mentally, emotionally and physically prepared for it. I've been busy doing some research work for our Surgical Pathology and Gynecology cases, plus I "finalyzed the draft" for my Medical Therapeutics case. I'm supposed to get ready for my ENT exam this Thursday, but there's always something that would suddenly require my attention elsewhere. Like awhile ago, I was checking my email account when I saw a picture of a pretty handbag. And so here I am, so delighted about all the bags I saw and so excited to go to my "Bag Haven"...Quiapo! Here are some of the bags included in my hunt list...

I just can't wait to shop!

Some People

2005-07-18T04:58:00.000+08:00

I feel kinda depressed. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way. People don't stay in the same place forever. You simply can't expect them to. They have to move on, try different things, discover more about the world and about themselves. But it's never easy to let go of people you're used to have around. There are these few people who give you a sense of security, your comfort blanket. These people have always been there, an everflowing spring of love. Ance's one of these people and she's leaving for States. She was granted a doctorate scholarship by Purdu University (which is not really surprising, knowing this really smart lady). It's a 5-year program and she's not sure if she'll get back after graduating. Life's full of twists, you'll never know what will happen next. She had her despedida last Friday at Timog. I thought I wouldn't be able to make it because I had exams. I prayed so hard that I could come. I could never miss the chance of seeing her before she leaves. We sang the whole evening. My other college friends and classmates were there. I never had an idea how much I missed them until that night.

Ance's one of my dearest friends. One of the few true people I met in this lifetime. She's a blessing. She never knew how much she touched my life. She has always been one of my inspirations. I'm really happy for her that she's been given an opportunity to pursue her studies in States. She truly deserves it. And I'm really proud of her. It's just that...I will surely miss her. It really breaks my heart. I couldn't control my tears, even now as I type this blog. I just pray to God to watch over my friend, to keep her from any harm. I hope someday our paths will cross again.

Ance and I at our college graduation

My gems: my college barkada

A Very Important Late Blog

2005-06-27T03:27:00.000+08:00

Hala! This entry is really late! My boyfriend and I celebrated our First Year Anniversary last Sunday, June 19 (applause, applause…). How could I not blog this sooner? After we went out with our celebration, I quickly plunged back into my responsibilities and never got the chance to blog about it. Besides, my dad is now working at home, so it’s only by luck that I finally got my hands on our PC.

It’s amazing how fast the days went by. I could still remember our quite unusual beginning. I never thought he would become my boyfriend, or that I would ever have a boyfriend at that time. I was just enjoying going out and meeting new prospects but never planned to get serious. But I guess that’s love, it would find you when you least expect it. And it really was a wonderful year with him. He’s my second boyfriend but he’s the first one who showed me what a real relationship is all about. He’s so devoted, caring, thoughtful and really sweet. Too bad that we only get to see each other once a week because he works in Laguna and gets home only at weekends. But I never felt his absence because he always keeps in touch. My classmates used to tease me that I’m the official telephone operator of the class because if I’m not talking to him on the phone, I’m probably texting him. In short, lugi sa amin ang Sun unlimited hehehe. Of course, we went through quite a lot of challenges. We got to know each other’s evil sides and learned to handle our differences. Mahirap din ang parehong only child. We both crave for attention kasi hehehe. We both love to be cuddled and feel really loved. I don’t know what’s in store for us. The more important thing is that we’re both committed to the continuous growth of our relationship. I don’t wanna peek too much far ahead, I’m just happy that he’s here with me…now.

Just Turned 18

2005-06-19T03:39:00.000+08:00

Hehehe, just joking! I turned 24 yesterday. It feels odd. When I was a little girl, I thought 24 is really old. I thought that by that age, a person might have accomplished a lot, might have married and have kids already. Odd. I don’t feel old. I don’t wanna marry yet (but sometimes I want to have kids already). And I have not accomplished a lot. While all my friends are either busy with their careers or already starting a family, I’m still a student, dependent on my dad’s income, and still a subsidiary to the general family affairs. But despite not having my own bank account and hence, the privilege to decide to go anywhere and stay out really late without my mom raising a single brow, I still like it this way. These are just the sacrifices I have to make for the career I’ve chosen. I still have a long way to go, but I’m enjoying every single step of it. I’ve added another year, but I don’t feel old…I feel more matured. I’m definitely not the same person I was way back in highschool, or even in college. The years have changed me. But of course not everything. I just got better. Prettier, hehehe…

And It Has Begun...

2005-06-18T11:17:00.000+08:00

Somebody has to give me an electric shock or something. Just anything to bring me into my wits or to speed up the electric current along my neurons. School started last Tuesday and I’m constantly in my numb shell of comfort and vacation mode, it just doesn’t feel right. Some inconsiderate people thought of giving us more quizzes (as if we never had enough) every meeting and I guess obsessive compulsiveness is a contagious disorder nowadays because they intend to check the attendance every now and then. There was even this one prof who instructed us “not to talk, not to eat, not to move around” during her class and then just some moments later she remarked how serious we looked. (Again, I might be in trouble for not having enough “enthusiasm” in class). Anyway, it also feels kinda strange in class because there are some people I was used to having around but are now gone (gone as in they transfered to another school, moved into the other section, or had to retake a few subjects) and there are also some new people added into “our” section (we’re still mostly from block C and D). From four blocks we’re now divided into only two, the rationale - we could only guess. Maybe the “sec” finds counting 4 blocks too much for her brain so she just deduced into to 2 – her maximum limit. Anyway, I really have to start studying…I just don’t know how to begin…I wanna go back to sleep…

Sari-Sari

2005-06-05T07:16:00.000+08:00

I just read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It’s a thin small book so I got to finish it in one sitting. I guess everyone read it already, and some people may ask why it took someone like me who’s a certified bookworm a long time to get my hands on it. Well, that’s just one of the downside of being a medical student. I just didn’t have the time. Anyway, the book’s really good. It’s like reading one of my dad’s Buddhist’s or Zen’s handbook of proverbs, only that it’s in a story form. As I read it, I began to ask myself the same questions raised by the protagonist. I began examining my life, my priorities, and my actions. Although the questions seem so simple and direct, the answers to them are somewhat locked up inside my amygdaloid nucleus, unwilling to reveal. So I guess it would come to me in due time.

ooOOOoo

School’s starting in two weeks and I have to start warming up for another school year of stress, sleepless nights, heaps and heaps of transcriptions and the nonsense of the college administration. I am now used to waking up really late and sleeping really really late (as in 3 AM) so I have to start breaking the habit. My study area is ready: old trans are organized, scratch papers are stacked neatly, and all the trash left last school year are now gone. I started reading Harrison and highlighted some pages already but my attention span has decreased tremendously since the start of the vacation so I really don’t consider it as an “advance” reading. I still feel guilty about not finishing my crash course under Dr. Munarriz. She’s been really good to me. I think I can’t stand to look at her straight in the eye when I see her in school.

ooOOOoo

I watched Madagascar last Wednesday with Rhen, Jo and Buddy. It's really funny that my face hurt from too much laughing. I especially like the part when the animals were dancing "Move It." The song has been playing inside my head for days. I would really miss spending fun time with Rhen. We've grown closer last year. It's such a sad thing that I would never see her mountain bike parked in the College of Medicine again.

Ewan Ko Rin

2005-05-29T12:13:00.000+08:00

A friend asked me for an advice. She's super dooper in love with a particular guy in school but she’s not sure whether the guy feels the same. She’s actually considering the idea of courting the guy. As in ligaw with all the chocolates and all the fanatical things that go with it. She asked me whether she should go on with her idea or just wait. Hmmm…I’m not sure if I’m the right person to give her an advice. I guess I had quite the same experience before but I don’t think that I am already the authority in this area. You see, the confusion whether to endorse either of the options roots from the fact that I’ve already tried both. Well, except the chocolates thingy. But yes, I’ve been through a certain phase when I was almost pursuing a guy: waiting up for him, providing all the things he might’ve needed, flattering him, sending sweet texts, making him feel that I’m always there for him, etc. etc. etc. But I tried to be subtle as much as possible. Well, I guess I’ve been too subtle because despite all efforts to make my emotions known, he didn’t notice it. Or maybe he noticed, but then he simply didn’t feel the same. So deadma. But despite this failure, I couldn’t advice my friend to do the extreme. Her second option, which is to wait, sounds more sensible and more upright. But based on my experience, waiting is still not a guarantee that one day, this guy would suddenly pop out at the doorstep saying that you’re the love of his life. I once waited for a guy for 3 years. And then he had a girlfriend. That’s when I realized that I’ve been waiting in vain. Even after he and his girlfriend splitted up, I told myself that I can’t wait for him any longer. He could still have another girlfriend anytime, maybe marry someday. He’s been living his life, and I’ve reminded myself that I have my own life too. So now I’m stuck between the two options, I don’t know what to tell my friend. I couldn’t wave either of the two as a sure recipe to her guy’s heart. Well, I’ve only been basing my thoughts from my own experience. But then not all people would end up with a fate like mine, right?

My American Idol

2005-05-28T03:51:00.000+08:00

At first, I was watching American Idol Season 4 because of Constantine. But these past few weeks, I was hooked to the show because of Bo Bice! Yep, he's definitely the man. I like his style and he sings really really well. I think Carrie only had her edge at the final song because it sounds better with a girl singing it. Plus, the song doesn't belong to Bo's genre and style...it's just not him. But still, I believe that he has the potential to make it really big after the contest. As in he's Super Papalicious Bo Bice!!!

Dahil Summer, Mag-Ice Skate!

2005-05-25T11:05:00.000+08:00

It was actually Rhen who tagged the whole barkada into this idea. She wanted to do something out of the ordinary and she got bored already with bump cars in SM so we decided to try skating. The last time I skated was like 9 years ago with my highschool friends. I can't seem to remember how to move about with the blades. To my surprise, I still know how to glide on ice. A little bit shaky at first but some minutes later, my legs got the hang of it, and my body poised properly to achieve my natural equilibrium. We looked funny at first, my friends wouldn't let go of the side beams, so they moved in a single file. Later on, Angel and Tiff tried skating without holding on the beams. We continued to progress after 2 hours, moving along with the other tiny kids who looked really cute in their ice skating costumes. They skated better than us, as in way better than us! There was even this one girl who kept on showing me off with her moves. Well, I won't be intidimidated by her cause although she has the technique and the ability to perform a few stunts, I have grace! Go watch the ESPN, girl!

"Hawakan si Y, baka mahulog!"

The Nematodes

The Nematodes with Shane (and that's our laundry at the background)

Carbo Loading before Getting Into the Rink

Sadness

2005-05-06T02:07:00.000+08:00

Haaay...it seems that I can't use my money to buy a new cellphone. Akala ko kasi, Harrison's lang ang kelangan ko. Yehlen told me yesterday that I need to buy books pa for Surgical Pathology, Otolaryngology, Legal Med, etc. etc. which all in all cost 7000 pesosesoses. That means kulang na money ko to buy a phone with a camera. Yup, gusto ko may camera so that I won't have to wait for other people to upload pics for me when I want to put pics here in my blog. Hay, too sad.

ooOOOoo

I watched John Q in vcd yesterday. I bought that cd in a sale in Megamall last Monday and it was Jomai who recommended it. Touching daw kasi. Well, the term touching is an understatement. I cried all throughout the movie. After the movie ended, I cried pa rin. The movie was very moving. It's about a simple construction worker, John Q (Denzell Washington), whose 9-year-old son needs an immediate heart transplant. His medical insurance won't cover for the expenses and the other government agencies won't extend help. He's totally broke. So he decided to take an emergency room hostage because he was left with no other option. In desperation, he decided to take his own life so that his heart can be used to replace his son's. A total act of love. Fortunately, just seconds before he pull the trigger of his gun, a fax came saying that a compatible heart donor is available for his son's transplant. The transplant came out successful but John Q had to face the consequences of his actions. There was a trial and the hostage incident became a national issue. The movie ended without telling whether he was acquitted of his crime. The decision was left for the viewers to make. Hay, sadness...This movie is a must see for medical students. It depicts the moral dilemma we have to face in medical practice especially when it involves selfish policies of health insurances. Also it showed the common problem in hospitals wherein the patient won't be admitted and receive the appropriate medical treatment unless the family shows a proof that they can pay. Sadness talaga...

A Day with My Lola

2005-05-02T09:05:00.000+08:00

It's been three years since the last time I visit my lola in San Juan. And I guess if it wasn't for my nephew's circumcision, I still won't be able to see my relatives. The place changed already, there are a lot of new establishments and some houses that I used to pass by which are not there anymore. And since I'm not used to these new changes, I circled San Juan and Sta. Lucia 3 times before I figured out how to get into my lola's house. I was really exhausted and hungry by the time I got there. My lola and aunt were really delighted to see me. I missed my lola's cooking...she really cooks well, as in. Nobody cooks paksiw and sinigang better than her. She got thinner now, due to the protein wasting brought about by old age, plus the surgery she underwent last year. I never realized how much I missed her until I saw her again. She has always been the source of strength of our family. She's a woman of strong principles and strict moral values. Very very conservative.

My nephew, who was to be circumcised, broke the world record yesterday for having the loudest scream. It's like he megaphoned to the whole Sta. Lucia that he's being circumcised. He freaked out big time, he nearly threw off everything around him. There were three people who were trying to fasten him down, his mom (who's my cousin), my other nephew, and me. He kept on wiggling, screaming, and crossing his legs (so how the hell was I gonna clamp his thing, right?). But after minutes of struggling, I was able to finish it. Surprisingly, after locking his last stitch, he simply got off his feet, put on his shorts, asked money from his mom, and went out of their house holding his shorts. He paraded the whole street with that I-just-got-circumcised walk. It's funny how some boys nearly tear the house down from crying then walk off as if they're the bravest creature on earth. Sayang lang, we weren't able to voice record everything he said during the process, you know, something to laugh at after 10 years. Or something to blackmail him with when he already have a girlfriend.

Got a Summer Job

2005-04-24T04:07:00.000+08:00

Finally, I have saved enough money to buy the new edition of Harrison's Internal Medicine. I've been busy these past week with my summer job, that is, reviewing incoming seniors for UPCAT. It was actually Jomai who tagged me into this, and for that I am grateful to her. We just explain to the students the correct answers in their science exams which is actually fun because there are students who are very responsive. And it's also nice to know that I could still remember all those highschool stuff. But there are also some students who I would love to kick out of the classroom. As in they're super pabibo and super epal, they just love to be the center of attention all the time. Anyway, I guess some highschool people are just like that. Well, I only hope they could get into UP.

I also met new people in the review center. They are my fellow lecturers who are also UP professors in Diliman. They're very nice and surprisingly funny (to think that some of them are of the same age as Prof. Ilao). But my favorite thing there in the review center is that they give free lunch! It's also during lunchtime that I could get to bond with the other lecturers and proctors.

I'm not really sure how long I'm gonna work there but I just plan to save all my earnings for buying books. Needs before wants di ba? Anyway, I'm planning to continue my embroidery today. I hope to finish it before the school starts again. But with all the summer job, case discussion with Dr. Munarriz and other things I have to accomplish, I'm starting to think that I still won't be seeing that embroidery framed and hung on our living room wall.

The Quest for Burberry

2005-04-14T06:57:00.000+08:00

I woke up really late yesterday, I wasn't able to attend the case discussion by Dr. Munarriz. I guess she's mad at me or something cause she didn't return my call or replied to any of my text messages. I started late in reviewing for the case and I slept at around 3:30 am. But I decided to go out yesterday and I met Nina at Rob place.

We decided to window shop in Quiapo. Nina was looking for a summer skirt while I was searching for a Burberry portfolio. I saw that portfolio in Harrisons but I thought it would be much cheaper in Quiapo. Well, to my delight, Quiapo is definitely the replica Italian designer's handbags paradise! As in ang dami-daming magandang Burberry! I really don't mind if it's fake because not everybody owns a Burberry. There are also nice Vitton bags but I've always thought that they're for older women.

We went to different stalls but didn't find the Burberry portfolio I was looking for. I was desperate. And then Nina made me realize that it wouldn't actually go along with my other bags. It's either I buy a Burberry bag (and use it as a bag) or buy an entirely different portfolio. So I decided to do the latter. I ended up buying a plain black portfolio at National bookstore. But I vowed to go back to Quiapo and buy the cute Burberry bag I saw there. It looks quite like this...

I was also able to influence my mom because early this morning, I surfed for Burberry bags and showed it to her. She instantly gave me money to buy her a bag with matching wallet. Haay...like mother, like daughter (in our case, only in rare circumstances...I repeat, only in rare circumstances). Anyway, I'm planning to shop for handbags maybe on Friday. Or on Sunday with my baby.

It's Tuli Day

2005-04-11T07:29:00.000+08:00

Hay grabe! The surgical mission we had yesterday at Project 8 went okay. I got up early though I still came late at the meeting place. This girl named Vanji who's our contact in the barangay health center kept bugging me about our members. She wanted to start the mission early and she was already panicking. When we arrived at the health center, everybody seemed to be waiting for us, they didn't know how to start the sterilization of instruments and (at least) Vanji was not exaggerating when she said that there was already a line of kids waiting to be circumcised. We started really late because we still waited for Joseph and the doctors to arrive. We simply couldn't start without Joseph, the Povidone Iodine was with him.

There were a lot of kids who signed up for the "Libreng Tule," I guess about 90 kids. I didn't have any problem with the kids I handled. They didn't cry or kick me. There's this 14-year old kid who was handled by Winnie, who made quite a scene. He kept on screaming, crying and threatening. Good thing that younger ones were not frightened by him.

This was taken by NRQ (I wasted a pair of surgical gloves for this pic)

Let's Get Started

2005-04-09T13:09:00.000+08:00

I was swept back to reality by a text message from Dr. Munarriz. She reminded me that my "vacation" is over. Yep, four days without classes or exams is enough vacation for her. She said I must get back to studying again. Can somebody tell her that I'm just an ordinary 23-year old female who needs to get a life sometimes? Anyway, she meant no harm. In fact, she has always been there to help and listen to our problems (acads-wise). She's funny in an unconventional way, but still funny. I have to admit that I get some of my motivation from her. She always share her insights about a lot of things. But still, I was kinda disappointed that she cut my vacation short.

I already printed out the case she wants me to study. I just glanced at it. I decided that I wouldn't touch my books until Sunday. In fact, I've been kinda busy these last few days. I'm continuing my cross stitch embroidery of a Geisha. It's actually really big and very detailed. It's already 3 years in the making, considering that I'm in med school. Also, I have finally started reading Da Vinci Code. It's actually a Christmas gift from my baby. I'm more than halfway of it already and I really really like it. As I said before, I really like stuff about history and arts. Despite its alarming claims (I have to admit that it's really convincing), I don't really mind whether how much of it is true or facts that are over-sensationalized. My faith in God is not based on any rituals or strict church teachings. The inspiration that Jesus gives me everyday of my life is more meaningful than any of these.

We're gonna have a surgical mission tomorrow in Quezon City. I just hope a lot of members will come because we need all the help we can get.

2005-04-08T12:38:00.000+08:00

My good friend Joseph sent me our pics during Zyke's christening. It's a sort of a reunion for me because that was the only time I saw my Maxwell friends again after a long time. And Joseph was only here in the country for a month so I really have to grab the opportunity to see them all.

The Proud New MOM: Joanna with baby Zyke

The Original Maxwell Family (and now growing...)

Me, Jean and her boyfriend

with my Balikbayan buddy...Joseph

Me with my Daddy Mae and Uncle Jeusa

(don't ask why)

Boy, I'm not getting any younger!

2005-04-05T05:24:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how people transform before your eyes. All these changes make me feel like I'm the only person stuck in my own time and space (something like the Twilight Zone). It's like I'm in this warp-proof chamber, isolated from the real world, watching my closest friends live their lives. A lot of things are happening to them, good career developments, trips around the country and abroad, flourishing love lives (and losing too), having a kid, and planning for a wedding. It's so exhilirating watching them grow and metamorphose into these mature (yet still wacky) and goal-oriented individuals. Who would have thought that these were the same people I tagged tails and played patintero with in school's parking lot way back in grade school? I'm so proud of these Maxwell people (Maxwell was our section when we're fourth year high school). We've gone a long way already. And mind you, we've only just begun.

This was us then,

This was...errr...me...(so innocent and sweet)

This is us now,

Summer's finally here

2005-04-04T03:46:00.000+08:00

It feels so liberating to be able to breathe again. After surviving being hit by a storm of exams, I’m still here. I’m just praying so hard that everything would turn out the way they should. You know that “so near yet so far feeling?” That’s exactly how I’m feeling. Good thing I don’t have a failing subject, although thinking about Pharmacology finals result could still make me feel uneasy. Third year is just a few inches within my reach, yet I can’t still have that sense of certainty. It’s too early to feel complacent and go enjoy the summer vacation.

Speaking of summer, I’m still contemplating whether I’ll spend it on my community service. This would be my last summer vacation because hopefully I’ll be a clerk next year. Conducting surveys around the barangay is not fun at all, and I’m still wondering where the “service” in that is. As far as I know, there’s no concrete health program yet made for the residents of San Andres. I guess our great dean interprets our college’s mission and vision as an annual trip to the barangays, troubling the residents from their everyday toils just to answer our surveys, urging them to spill some of their very personal information just to complete our data, making them do things for our experiment, and all these trouble for the simple fact that our administrators don’t really know what to do with us. And here’s another year to exploit these people whose only reason why they still keep on entertaining our surveys is because they hope they could get some medical benefits from our researches. This is how the system works and it sucks bigtime.

I could only imagine all the things I've been wanting to do for the summer. I made the list of "To do's" long ago. There are these books that I've been reserving for the vacation, all these vcds and dvds I've been itching to watch, my cross stitch which is already 3 years in the making, and all the stuff I want to change in my bedroom. Unexpectedly, just when I finally have the time to do all that, I just don't feel like doing anything. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, and sleep. Haaay...

Love Fool

2005-03-25T14:31:00.000+08:00

I am a love fool. A sentimental fool. I get teary-eyed by just watching a very romantic movie. I get swept off my feet after hearing a dreamy romantic line. My knees get weak at a single tender gesture. Holding the hand of the one I love calms my soul. Leaning on his steady shoulder erases all my worries. I sigh and sing my heart out as I listen to a mushy love song. I keep the love text messages in my cellphone. All of them. I keep a love mail in a safe place. I am definitely a love fool. And I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t pretend that I don’t get affected by a sappy movie line. You see, I am not so difficult to fall in love. I am in love with love.

Poetry is my favorite form of expressing emotions. But I seldom do poetry especially now that I’m in med school. There’s so much emotions, so much passion, to write about, but there’s so little time to express it in a poem. Maybe because I’m not really a natural poet. I’m not that articulate and skillful with all that rhyming unlike others who can write a poem (or even declare it) at a single heartbeat. I wish I have that talent because I sometimes feel that the emotions bottled up inside me are so tremendous to bear. I feel like bursting any moment. If only I could rest my busy mind for a while so I could find the right words to express how I really feel. It would be very nice to offer him something that truly reflects the song in my heart.

I don’t know about other people, but for me, romance should never fade. Valentines should never be corny just because all the couples all over the world are celebrating it at the same time. Flowers are not just mere colorful extensions of a shrub. Getting over-sentimental and sweet should never be out of fashion. Saying “I love you” should not end there. It must go beyond words. It’s not being self-seeking or materialistic, it’s not the only means of expressing how you truly feel. Isn’t it wonderful to know that someone’s thinking of you in a special way? That someone’s also going love fool over you?

I am just a simple girl. A love fool who seeks to be treated like a lady. I don’t ask much.

Feeling squishy

2005-03-25T11:26:00.000+08:00

Despite all the adversities that have come my way this past month, there’s this one important thing that reminded me of how lucky I am. That is, I have the best dad in the world. He definitely is. He’s not the type of dad who would shower me with gifts whenever I did something outstanding. Nor would he raise my allowance if I aced a Pharmacology exam (which I never did anyway). He’s simply so understanding of my thoughts and feelings. Something that I value the most about him. He would always check on me during my review nights, asking if I’m still alright, reminding me that I can do it, that he’d be still proud of me no matter what the outcome of the exam will be. He always come home late, tired from work, but he would still have the energy and the time to listen to my nonstop whimpering about school, about this TV show I’ve just watched, or a certain article I just read. He has been generous in sharing his insights about life. He has always been an inspiration. My inspiration. What would I do without him? What’s life without him? What am I without him?

He is not like that all his life. He went through all the highs and lows of life. He’s been everywhere. Did almost everything. He said, he was never proud of the person he was before. And it took him a very long time to realize all his mistakes, all the time he wasted, all the chances just he threw off. All the people he loved and lost. Maybe it’s just pure luck that I came into his life at the right time. When he decided to straighten things up. I am just so lucky.

It’s hard not to sound so mushy and squishy whenever I talk about my dad. It makes me teary-eyed in an instant. I guess he doesn’t have a slightest idea about it. I am a daddy’s girl but I don’t normally show to him how much he means to me. I wouldn’t jump with glee when I see him home from work. I would just give him a peck on the cheek and say hi. I just check on his blood pressure and ask casually how he’s feeling. I’m just so scared to show him how concern I am about him. It gives me this weird feeling that it would be the last. Whenever he tells me that something hurts on his chest and asks me to check on it, I’d make excuses because I don’t want to give him a physical exam. I’m so scared that I’ll discover something dreadful. I just don’t wanna know firsthand. I can handle other people, just not my own dad. Let his physician do the work. I just wanna sit here and wait…and pray.

I know I have to learn to deal with this. I just need to. I love my dad so much. He has to know about it.

2005-03-25T01:12:00.000+08:00

On the lighter side, here are some pics from the APMC Convention (remember the Med Quiz Bee, a.k.a. Trivia Quiz Bee?) at Shangri-La Hotel last January.

Waiting for the contest to start (L to R): Mere, Chlenice, Me, Louella, and JR

"You're supposed to be reviewing not posing!"

******

By the way, I have not yet introduced you to these bunch of brilliant people I worked with for the past year in med school. We've been through a series of challenges. Triumph is yet to be achieved (after some lightyears...). Ladies and gentlemen, the "X-Men":

Their powers are beyond your wildest imagination

The Hagonoi Tree

Christmas Party Aftermath

2005-02-14T01:32:00.000+08:00

I've just uploaded some of our pics from our block's christmas party. We went to Mina's place in Cavite and had loads of fun exchanging gifts.

Inside the van, on our way to Cavite

Waiting for our dinner

Aim high! Reach for the stars!

Ngarag 2

2005-02-13T00:00:00.000+08:00

I was absent for three days. I had this really bad cough accompanied with headache, malaise, and low-grade fever. I was bedridden. I thought it would be an opportunity to study for our Medicine exam but my headache got only worse.

Oh well, I've been really busy for the past month and a lot of things happened. Actually, I've been postponing my blog postings because I wanted to put pictures but unfortunately, I couldn't upload most of it. Since I'm anticipating that I'll get more busy, I decided to give you a marathon of some events for the past month.

A Stunning Grade of 72

Fault-finding bitch talaga! Sorry if you're offended but hey, this is my blog. One of the Triad gave me a grade of 72 for our research paper in FCM (Family and Community Medicine). When I asked her why she gave us a grade as low as that (she failed all of us in our group), her reply was: "I actually based that on the enthusiasm of the student. Your group was very quiet, I didn't know what grade to give you." O di ba, bitch talaga? We worked during our sem break just to do that research. She never asked about the division of labor in our group or how we went about it. Enthusiasm? She based our grade based on something that she can't measure. How subjective can you get? Bitch talaga! Even if it's true that I wasn't enthusiastic about the research, it should never be the basis of my grade. The final paper, the fruit of all our labor, should only be the basis of our grade. It reflects what we're really worth. Can you imagine how the panelists during our defense gave us a grade of 92 if that paper is just garbage? That bitch should go back to her psychiatrist. She might need to change her medication or subject herself in a full-blast therapy again. I just found out that she really has a psychiatric history. I can't understand why she's still in the college messing with our lives and driving us all crazy just like her.

APMC Convention

The APMC Convention was held last January 20 at the Shangri-La Plaza. Doctors, administrators and professors from different med schools all over the country attended the said affair. There was a seminar for med students held in the morning then there was a quiz bee in the afternoon. Remember the PGH quiz bee that Dr. Munarriz had been pushing me to join? Well, it was actually the APMC quiz bee. The PGH Quiz Bee will be on March. Anyway, I met new friends: Chlenice, JR, and Louella. They were also contestants of the quiz bee. Ate Abi and Rich were also there as 3rd year contestants. I did not prepare for that contest. Wala lang. Toxic na ko sa acads ko noh. Besides, I was there to have fun and to drink their strong brewed coffee. Dr. Munarriz had been reminding us that this was actually a big quiz bee for med students, even the big schools from the provinces were also there. So I was expecting that it would be a difficult competition. I was even starting to regret that I didn't study (ayoko namang apihin ng ibang schools and PLM noh). But it was too late for regrets, so I just bet on my biggest asset: my winning smile! Hahaha! All my anticipations about the quiz bee disappeared instantly when it finally started and they were flashing the questions on the big screen. I couldn't believe that this was actually the contest that Dr. Munarriz was talking about.

Which of the following is not a member of Viva Hot Babes?

And I went "Huwaaat?!" Is this really a med quiz bee? Maybe I lost my way in Shangri-La or something. Then they showed the correct answer and cited its source which is FHM September 2004 issue. Here are some of the odd questions they asked:

Which Russian space craft was sent to Saturn on (I forgot the year)?

What do Julius Caesar and Van Gogh have in common?

Which province in the Philippines have the most number of volcanoes?

Who is this celebrity who said: "I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I'm the only woman living in it?"

What animal is called "Jack" when it's male and "Jenny" when it's female?

What painting got stolen from Paris in (I forgot the year)?

There were more of those questions but I've already forgotten about them. Our team got only in the first elimination round. We didn't feel bad that we didn't win. All the top medical schools in the country didn't also make it in the final round. Who would suspect that we'll be given those type of questions? I mean, we thought it was a med quiz bee and we answered all the med-related questions correctly. Maybe we're not that well-rounded students at all. Maybe we have to read a lot of tabloids, FHMs and encyclopedias to win next year.

Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin

Alright, don't even say a word about it. I know, it's not me. For the love of section CD, we were strained to do it. Yehlen, Jo, and I joined this year's String and Percs. I never sang in front of a crowd before. I never even imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be doing something like this. We rehearsed about only an hour before the contest. Elaine helped us with the blending. (hahaha, akalain mong nag-third voice pa ako? Taray!) We only have 2 songs in our playlist: Never Get Over You and Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin. Haay, things you learn only in med school. Here are some of our pics:

I'll Never Get Over This Humiliation (from left to right): Y, Jo, Me, and Elaine

doing my solo in Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin (na di ako marunong kumanta)

My bigay na bigay moments (hahaha!)

Mr. and Ms. Med 2005

I was totally wasted even before the Mr. and Ms. Med started. I was assigned to the programme and I didn't expect that almost everything would be part of my job. My hand was really in pain because I wrote the scripts of the hosts (only to be lost by one of them). My stress level was so high that day, I can't remember how many times I almost throw a real big tantrum. Every pain in my body started to diminish when I saw the candidates in their astounding Greek God and Goddess costumes. The contest started at around 11:30 pm. We were all sleepy and tired. And hungry. It ended at around 2:30 in the morning. Good thing my baby was with me...my comfort blanket.

The bet of our section: Tiff! She actually bagged the 2nd runner up title

Our very dashing class president: Wally boy!

Ngarag

2005-01-18T11:19:00.001+08:00

We just had our exams last week and I should be feeling at least a bit relieved or relaxed, but I don’t. The results of Medicine and Surgery exams were released today and it’s really dispiriting. I was 3 points short of passing Medicine and I was near the borderline of failing in Surgery. I know that I should feel lucky to have almost passed Medicine considering that I allotted only 5 hours of study for that. But still. The fact still remains that I failed a shifting exam. I could only imagine the result of my Pathology exam…

I feel like I’m starting to feel numb to all these stress. I should be panicking by now because I have a lot of stuff to do. I realized that we still haven’t organized everything for the upcoming Mr. and Ms. Medicine. We have to coordinate with all the class presidents, hire a director, organize the program, the candidates, the invitations for the judges, guests, parents, etc. etc. etc. Plus, we have a Pathology research and I still haven’t oxidized our cholesterol and extracted the oregano because the “great” La Salle did not allow us to use their equipments (even if we pay). There’s also this Pharmacology research that we haven’t even started yet. To complicate my life more, Dr. Munarriz has been pushing me to join this PGH quiz bee. I refused her several times because I know that I wouldn’t have the time to prepare for that and I feel that there are some people who are more capable of competing with other schools than me. Imagine, I, who have failed a gastrointestinal exam in Medicine would compete with the braniacs of PGH and other med schools? Dr. Munarriz must have been hyperglycemic again to oblige me to join.

...I need a detoxifier...

2005-01-16T14:24:00.000+08:00

Grabe, it was the longest week ever. I just had my third shifting exams and I felt like totally wasted. It was like a hit-and-sleep-thing: hit the books then have a 30-minute sleep then hit the books then have a 30-minute sleep again. It was my worse exam in medicine and pathology. I felt like an idiot while answering my medicine exam. I knew that I read it in Harrison’s but I can’t remember it. Every word was familiar, but I just couldn’t place it. My pathology exam was on the last day and it burned the few remaining living neurons in my head. I was really tired, as in dead tired. Just imagine spending my last two weeks draining myself for exams. I feel kinda lucky I’m still alive. That’s why I have to give you an update of some events in my life for the past 2 weeks (yes, there were some events aside from having exams).

ooOOoo

Goodbye

I was sleeping out of exhaustion when Iyah called me. At first I couldn’t recognize her voice. She sounded different.

“Maan, si Jeff kasi.”

“O, si Jeff, kamusta na?”

“He was shot. He’s dead.”

“Di nga?” (I chuckled)

“Di ako magjojoke ng ganito.”

I froze. She was right. Then I cried. I was swiftly brought into consciousness. This couldn’t be. Iyah told me that Jeff was shot by his girlfriend’s ex-husband last January 1. He passed away the next morning. I haven’t seen my high school friends for a long time and I’m not updated about their lives so I was shocked. I told her that I was gonna go to the funeral that night but I broke my promise. There was a Medicine report and a Surgery long exam the next day so I decided to delay it. I had a series of exams that week that’s why I kept on delaying it. But I was so restless thinking about him. I couldn’t believe that something as violent as that could happen to any of my friends.

Jeff was a transferee during our junior year in high school. At first he had no circle of friends. I guess it was hard for him because at that time, he was different from us. But it took only months before we got to know Jeff better. He had certain idiosyncrasies that made him the subject of ridicule of the bully of the class. But Jeff was a quiet person. He’s not the type who would get into useless fights. Jeff and I were never close in high school. But we got along pretty well. All of us in Maxwell have this unique bond that kept us close together all these years. I would only get to see and chat with Jeff in our reunions and gimmicks after the graduation. But I’ve been out of touch from them for the past 2 years. I never knew that our next encounter would be like this. A day before his internment, I went to his funeral. I was grateful that Robert was with me. Happy pictures of him were posted outside together with some messages from his family and friends. I felt so weak that I couldn’t go inside. Even after days of thinking about what happened to him, I still couldn’t believe it. When we got inside, we just sat there and waited for some time. I talked to his brother and learned more of what really happened to him. It was really a tragedy. His face was really edematous I almost couldn’t recognize him. I prayed for his soul. I prayed for justice. Goodbye Jeff. You will always be remembered.

ooOOoo

My Visit to the Dean's Office

All my high school life, I’ve never been to the principal’s office. Even when I was in college, I was never asked to go to the Dean’s office. Medical school offers a lot of new stuff to learn and explore, as well as a lot of new experiences. Thanks to Dr. all-around-subject-teacher, I’ve finally experienced being grilled (if that’s what she wanna call it) in the Dean’s office. This incident might have raised concern from my parents but I assured them that it’s not the kind that they should be anxious about. My case: going out of the classroom to have an early lunch. You might consider that cutting classes. Whatever. I was hungry, I was going hypoglycemic, blame it to my endocrine cells. Besides, me and my groupmates decided to have our early lunch because Dr. all-around-subject-teacher (also our research adviser) told us that she’s gonna meet us at lunchtime. Imagine, lunchtime. Plus, we have a quiz in the afternoon so we really need to use our time smartly. So there. When we tried to go back to our classroom, it was locked. I guess the Paramecium forgot to take her Clomipramine again because she was obsessive-compulsively locking the doors everytime someone goes out of the room. Imagine a person of her distinguished school position bothering to lock the doors each and single time. Wow, she must have a lot of spare time and a long-standing boredom to do that.

The encounter in the Dean’s office was something I didn’t imagine it would be. I was trying so hard to stop myself from chuckling. She was saying things like “You didn’t even think of our feelings,” “That time was set for learning not for eating,” “You preferred eating over learning FCM?” Believe me, maintaining a sad remorseful look while listening to her monologue was the hardest thing I did for the longest time. It’s just so astounding that aside from her claim that she can teach all the medicine subjects (from biochemistry to radiology to surgical pathology) she is also a good psychic! She seemed to read my mind, especially about you-preferred-eating-over-FCM part. A tremendous talent! What a gift! (applause, applause)

Anyway, I know I must be more careful now. I have this feeling that the Triad are watching my every single move. Imagine being watched by an obsessive-compulsive and manic-depressive freaks.

ooOOoo

Joanna has a baby boy!

Life is a cycle. When someone goes out of the scene, someone quickly comes in. Joanna, one of my high school best friends, gave birth to a baby boy yesterday morning, January 14. Actually we were planning to give her a baby shower today but she had her delivery earlier than expected. I’m so excited to see her and her baby. Congratulations Joanna!

ooOOoo

Food Trip in Chinatown

Yesterday, right after our Pathology exam, Nina, Janna, Jo, Dex, and I headed to Chinatown for a food trip. We were starving and we want to eat something out of the ordinary fast food. So we went to this place called Manosa and ordered right away. The place was simple, far from your fancy Chinese restaurant. But the food was great! I ate 4 plates of rice and chowed on siomai, sweet and sour, and taosi fish. Grabe, we really enjoyed eating not only because of the good food but because finally, the shifting exams were over. We were talking and laughing nonstop while eating (imagine that). Jo updated us on the recent events in Lovers in Paris and all the other chinovelas and I guess the customers from other tables were also listening to her. We’re so bloated and tired of eating after that. We couldn’t move (hahaha). After that, we went to see this store of original Chinese (Taiwanese or Korean) vcds and dvds. All the original telenovelas shown in tv are there, untranslated. We had such a palate-satisfying experience that we’re planning to have more of these food trips in the future.

Here's one of our pics, the other pics were not yet uploaded (got this from Jannah's blog):

from left to right: Nina, Dex, Me, Jo and Jannah

Lessons

2005-01-03T10:02:00.000+08:00

Yey! It’s another year, a fresh new start. I was actually thinking of making a list of my New Year’s resolution, but then I realized that I’m not really good at keeping them. So I decided to list down all the things I learned for the past year. Some I learned the hard way, some due to simple stupidity, and some, well, from the mistakes I keep on repeating each year.

Spend quality time with people you really care about. You'll never know when you're gonna lose them.
It is possible to move on and live a new life if you’ve really decided on it.
Some people who gave me really bad first impressions actually have the potential of becoming my true friends.
Some people who I thought would be my friends actually have the potential of becoming true pain in the neck.
Having a quality ink refill from Ink For Less is actually based on chance. Sometimes I’m lucky, sometimes I’m not.
I have an exceptional talent of multitasking. Reading surgery and chatting with Robert on the phone while watching CSI is just a piece of cake.
There are people who ask implausible demands and don’t bend on other people’s requests. I just learned to ignore them.
Some feelings never change.
Men will be men. Hormones are hormones.
Being penniless sometimes sucks bigtime. Imagine being trapped in the pamantasan.
It is possible to fail even if you studied hard. Amazingly, it’s also possible to pass even if you didn’t study at all!
I can be a very jealous person.
Think a hundred times before getting any hair treatments.
I have this unbelievable capacity to love someone more than I thought I could.
Getting a Sun subscription is one of my best decisions.

I just hope that this year would be better. Better grades, more exciting things to experience, fulfilling relationships, and more ways to earn/save money (haha!). Happy new year!!!

I Just Do

2004-12-29T09:19:00.000+08:00

My baby just asked me a few hours ago why I love him. I racked my brain for a definite and a sure-shoot answer but found none. Maybe because I don't really have a fancy reason why I love him. It's just is. Simple. Basically true and sincere. Just like this poem from one of my fave poets, Pablo Neruda...

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.